Sports Fan Cyberbullied For Not Irrationally Hating Specific Player

Anaheim, California

A fan of the Anaheim Ducks has come forward after being constantly cyber-bullied for not irrationally hating fourth-line center, Derek Grant. The fan, who wishes to remain anonymous, states, “enough is enough”. “I’m pretty indifferent when it comes to (Derek) Grant; I don’t love him and I don’t hate him. He’s a professional hockey player. I work in customer service”, the fan informed me after claiming that digital flaming bags of poo where left on the doorsteps of his Twitter and Facebook inboxes with notes such as,

“yOu NeVeR pOsT nEgAtIvE h8 CoMmEnTs AbOuT gRaNt wHeNeVeR dA dUcKs SoCiAl MeDiA tEaM bReAtHeS!!”

The fan reports that the first message was sent moments after they liked a post that the Anaheim Ducks shared of defensemen, Hampus Lindholm’s adorable dogs. 

“The damn post had nothing to do with Derek Grant…I just love puppies!” exclaimed the fan who hopes that such irrational madness online ends soon. 

UPDATE: another fan has anonymously come forward after they fell victim to a walk-by wet Willy immediately after stating that Ducks head coach, Dallas Eakins, wears shoes fearing that such a horrible offense was due to not saying that Eakins is a terrible coach who only belongs in the AHL

Left-Winger For Hire

Anaheim's Next Top 3RD (4TH) Line Winger!

With the NHL pre-season underway, the Ducks are poised to make their mark going into the start of the regular season with a whole new game plan of using younger/faster players. I know, I know...it’s about damn time. Unfortunately, GM Bob Murray hopes that archaic system master himself, Randy Carlyle, can implement a modern day system. Oh, this otta be good. 

Meanwhile, one player still remains to be re-signed: Nick Ritchie. The baby-faced left winger whose eyes are way too close together is a hold-out after being unsatisfied with contract offers from the Anaheim club’s GM, and has not yet participated in any training camp activities; he’ll also be sitting on the couch during the pre-season. With that, a spot remains open on Anaheim’s roster. Chances are that we will see one of the youngsters take it, but if Barstool Bob continues his search, I figured I’d help do my part. I’ve written this ad to place into the Pennysaver’s “help wanted” section. Maybe one of you out there can step up and slot in! 

Do you have what it takes? If so, then read ahead:

Help Wanted: A New Nick Ritchie

Anaheim Ducks Hockey Club looking to hire a new semi-professional not so much experienced hockey player to fill a position as 3rd-line (but should really be 4th line) left winger. 

Requirements: Must be no shorter than 6’ 2”, 230 lbs. with ABSOLUTE GRIT. Ability to take stupid penalties while being in the offensive zone and having fans wonder why you’re not spending more time in the AHL IS A-MUST! 

Education Level: farm smart with a 3rd grade reading level. Sorry, Pat Maroon’s need not apply.

Contact: Facsimile resume to 1-800-IAM-JOBB to apply.

Go Ducks!

Writers Note: This will be my last post contributing to Battle of California for the time being. Wanted to be a sap by thanking Ryan Dunn & the BoC crew for posting my stupid trash. Big thanks for Jer who wanted to be lazy and allow me to contribute in the first place - honored to pick up your slack. 

BREAKING: Ducks Arm-Chair GM Arrested!

As we draw closer to the start of what will likely be another Randy Carlyle Ducks season of hockey, 

the excitement in the air is palpable (tastes like disappointment with an essence of dump & chase).

Over the summer, the Anaheim Ducks made blockbuster moves with signing elite talents such as 

Luke Schenn, Andrej Sustr, Carter Rowney, and Brian Gibbons - just to name a few. Anaheim also 

locked up contracts for number one Vezina award snubbed goaltender, John Gibson, as well as 

forward Adam Henrique and young, disgustingly good looking defenseman, 

Brandon “The Body” Montour. All Anaheim faithful would rejoice to see 

Kevin “I Need A Nap From Turning The Puck Over Whilst Screening My Goaltender In Front Of 

His Crease So I’ll Just Lay Face Down Right Here” Bieksa and Antoine “I’m Only Good For Face-Offs,

I Guess” Vermette pack their bags and move on. At the sad and unfortunate same time, Elite 

Number One Center Derek Grant would move off to Pittsburgh with Our Lord & Savior, 

Jared Rittenhouse Boll, officially retiring. The Ducks are set to get things going once again.

With all the excitement and anticipation of seeing said elite talent coming over to call the Pond 

their home, some fans were just not satisfied...

My sources have recently informed me that a crime took place during the very busy Anaheim 

Ducks summer where an angry Arm-Chair GM whose name has been reported as Mob Burray, 

broke into the Honda Center and into GM Bob Murray’s office in hopes of altering the roster to 

their liking; this crime has gone under the radar for confidential purposes. Mob Burray was found 

spinning in Bob Murray’s chair while calling other NHL teams GMs in the middle of the night where 

he was said to attempt trades such as Erik Karlsson for the entire Anaheim roster, John Tavares 

for a $5 In-N-Out gift card, Alex Ovechkin for a half-chewed stick of gum, and Eric Lindros 

for “funzies”.

I’ve obtained the Anaheim PD transcript of Burray’s interrogation where they asked him why he 

chose to do such a stupid thing:

[begin transcript]

Officer 1: “So Mob, why would you do such a stupid thing?”

Burray: “Because Bob Murray never does anything that I want him to do! He just sleeps during 

the draft, Free Agent Day, and at Trade Deadline! And I’m sick of it!”

Officer 2: “Really? Ducks just signed Adam Henrique to a 5-year deal with an AAV of $5.825M.”

Burray: “But he didn’t get Tavares! Erik Karlsson is still out there! Why not go for Jamie Benn or 

Ovechkin?? Ovi just won a Cup! We need all those guys!!”

Officer 2: “Benn has a No-Move-wait...what?”

Burray: “I know more than that hack, Bob Murray! I’ve done it on NHL 2017 GM Mode!”

Officer 1: “Did you have the ‘rookie’ settings on?”

Burray: “Maybe! Look, I just don’t understand why the Ducks can’t have all the best players! 

We would win Cups all the time!”

Officer 1: “Anaheim only has $6M projected in cap space.”

Burray: “Cap Space?”

Officers 1&2: “*facepalm*”

[end transcript]

No charges were made against Burray due to the club being utterly embarrassed for the person. 

Welcome back, hockey fans.

Go Ducks!

​

There's Always Next (2019-2020) Year

[RC:"I'm still here, bitches!" Photo: Greg Beacham]

Wake me up when the next two September's end.

It's unfortunately true, Ducks fans. Anaheim's plan of seeing head coach Randy Carlyle get the boot by being swept in the first round did not pay off, and it was recently announced by General Manager Bob "What The Fuck Are You Playing At?" Murray, that RC would still remain coach for the next upcoming season. On the smaller bright side, the team also announced that defensive/penalty killing coach, Trent Yawney, would not come back.

During exit interviews with the media at the Honda Center, GMBM stated the team need to "play faster" and hopes that his chum Randy can dump & chase his players into doing exactly that with continuing to employ his system which is still stuck in 2007. Carlyle was heard off the record stating, "I can rally these stupid kids! The game is all about puck possession, and with the help of our slow & aging vets, we'll out dump & chase the opposition!" Carlyle was also heard saying that he plans to convince Bob Murray into signing Jared Boll to a 5-year extension with a No-Movement Clause. "These assholes on my bench need to learn that grit is the key. If they want to see some ice time, they'll need to prove that they belong on the top two lines!"

Of course, it's still way too early to predict the outcome of next year, but I'm pretty certain that it's going to be filled with 82 games of failed defensive zone exits by future Anaheim Ducks defenseman, Jack Johnson. Time to drink myself into a coma in hopes I don't come out of it until summer of 2019.

Go Ducks!

The Mighty Martyrs of Anaheim

[Getzy: "Joe, I was thinking of YOU when I smooched Melker." Photo: Randy Vazquez/Bay Area News Group]

Boy, that was quick.

It’s been just over a day since Anaheim ended their post season after being swept by the "still stuck in the 90’s" San Jose Sharks - a series that only lasted less than a full week.

While many Ducks fans are still feeling the sting and are mourning the fact that being swept has not happened since 1999 after the Detroit Red Wings sent them packing in a haste, I for one am proud. Proud because the Ducks decided to do such a sacrificial act in hopes that their archaic system using head coach, Randy “Big Boy Hockey” Carlyle, will be fired for the 2nd time in this upcoming offseason.

My super secret undercover sources confirmed whispers of the team discussing throwing the series. “Alright fellas, we’re gonna dump & chase RC to the unemployment line!”, one player excitedly hushed. While next years potential 4th line players quickly low-fived each other with the idea of being able to play more than 4 minutes a game. The boys showed such dedication to their plan as it unfolded in dumpster fire glory with plays such as being offsides on purpose during a goal which was called back, waiting until the final moment of the second period to score just a millisecond after the buzzer had sounded off, Nick Ritchie being Nick Ritchie, and Corey Perry "attempting" to score by shooting directly at Sharks goaltender Martin Jones' pads.

It was all complete when San Jose forward and noted dirty player, Tomas Hertl, scored the game-winning goal just a little over 2 minutes after Andrew Cogliano had tied things up. A play which would come from an "accidental" turnover in Anaheim's defensive zone by Ducks captain, Ryan Getzlaf, who even managed to show his appreciation for the opponents by kissing Melker Karlsson during an intentional collision.

[Corey Perry watches on in jealousy as Getzlaf frenches Karlsson. Still via Reddit]

And now as we're removed from their heroic display in the first round, we Anaheim faithful will wait these next passing days for any announcement by Ducks general manager, "Barstool" Bob Murray, in hopes that he bought it all. Once again, I for one stand proud of my team who are not only hockey players but the bravest martyrs in this franchises history.

See you next season!

Go Ducks!

Ducks v Sharks Playoffs Series Preview...In Pictures

[Bad ass classic cartoon by @earlsleek]

Round One. Ducks v Sharks: Hella California Hatred

It's finally here: the 2017/2018 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs! Somehow, and Anaheim managed to make it! Crazier yet, they took 2nd place in the Pacific (thank GOD! No Pacific Division Title).

Anaheim will match-up against the San Jose Sharks in what will be a repeat of the 2009 post-season first round which Anaheim took in 6 games. I figured I'd go ahead and pump out a sweet preview but you're all (the 2 of you) in for a treat! This year, I'll be doing a preview of key Sharks players that the Ducks will need to look out for!

So, sit back and enjoy this stupid shit!

[The adorable good-looking Captain]

Joe Pavelski

The Sharks captain (10th one in like 2 seasons) is as cute as they come with that dream-like smile who will fool you and can cause damage. A solid-sexy player. I couldn't find a photo of a hot Shark, so Ive opted to use a cute drawing of one

No, I don't have a man-crush on him. No.

[The hipster dman/former a homeless person]

Brent Burns

There's no other way to say, but this #1 high-caliber defenseman is as good as they come. Removed from living on the streets when San Jose made one of the most charitable moves, he no longer lives out of a box.

*Beard not photographed

[The ugly turned solid center whilst still being ugly Shark]

Logan Couture

Despite being one if the ugliest dudes I've ever seen and sustaining his fair share of injuries these past few seasons, this Sharks alternate captain has proven that nothing will keep him down, and he's good. He has the ability to paralyze you with his train-wreck looks before putting one in the back of the net. Ducks goaltender, John Gibson, will need all that it takes to divert his eyes if Couture gets a breakaway.

[The skinny-as-hell-but-good goalie]

Martin Jones

This Stanley Cup champion who hoisted a Cup when he was changing LA Kings goaltender Jonathan Quicks diapers in 2014 took the Sharks to the finals the following year where they lost to the Pittsburg Penguins. Will he have what it takes this season? We shall find out. For now, someone give the kid a sandwich.

[The old injured veteran]

Joe Thornton

The Sharks will start their playoff campaign without their grizzled ol' veteran who hasn't played since late january due to an MCL injury. He has been skating with the team as of late, and may even join them this round. If he does, the Ducks will have the chance to throw popcorn and spit wads at his big bushy beard.

I know that there are other key players to the Sharks lineup, but I don't feel like including them. What I do know is that this should be an exciting series. I'm just glad Anaheim won't have to see those inbred bastards from Nashville until the WCF.

Game one starts tonight at 7:30. You can see it on your national NBC network channels such as the DYI network/Golf Channel or some dumb crap like that.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: No rad on-ice image projection yet again from Anaheim at the Honda Center. Instead, some boring-ass production that involves someone playing Bro-Hymn on a kazoo.

Is this thing still on?

[Getzy: "Yeah, boys! We're in! And we couldn't have done so without Derek Grant!" Photo by D. Robinson/NHLI]

Well then, here we are. 

It's the last game of the 2017-2018 NHL regular season, and if you would have told me two months ago that Anaheim would be in the playoffs, I would've requested that you take a drug test expecting positive results for every dirty hardcore narcotic out on the streets. Surprisingly enough (and for the 6th consecutive time), the Anaheim Ducks have clinched a spot into the post season. 

Throughout the regular season, Anaheim faced a lot of adversity with having the majority of their roster hurt and/or pretty much dead, but they held on and battled through. Thanks to players such as John Gibson, Ondrej Kase, Rickard Rakell, Josh Manson, Derek Grant, and Ryan Getzlaf, they found a way to be where they currently are. Ducks would get a great addition in Adam Henrique, who immediately made an impact. 

With majority of the teams set for post season action, the Ducks will end their regular season on the road tonight in AZ after defeating the Dallas Stars for their final home game just last night with a decisive victory of 5-2. A win against the consistent bottom feeding Coyotes will help in determining who Anaheim will match up against in round 1. Thankfully, it won't be against those Carrie Underwood loving, meth-heads in Nashville. 

Go Ducks!

Well shit, hockey's back...

[Me too, possibly super drunk Corey Perry. Me too.]

It's the most manic depressing time of the year: the NHL 2017/2018 regular season

Get ready for 82 games filled with highest-highs and lowest-low. Tonight, Anaheim will start theirs off with what will most likely be a loss (if you know the Ducks history of their outcome with season openers) to those location confused twerps from Phoenix/Glendale/Arizona.

I wanna take this time to issue a heartfelt apology to my liver which will be soaked in booze...hopefully until June.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Continuous disappointment ensues with Anaheim's lack of digital 3D image mapping on the ice. C'mon Ducks, even those shitty Avalanche folks in Denver do it!

Western Conference Finals Preview

[Jeb trashes his brother, Billy Bob's, home! Photo: John Russell/Getty Images] 

WCF Ducks v Preds: Let's Do This!

As they say, "the 'fif' time's the charm"! The Anaheim Ducks are on their way to the Western Conference Finals for the 2nd time in 2 years after breaking the "Game 7 Curse" and defeating the Deadmonton Oilers in Round 2! The one thing I took from these past couple of rounds is the assumption that in order to be a resident of Alberta, one must vow to think that the NHL is rigged, and one must always blame the refs. Either way, suck it, Oilers!

The focus now shifts to the conference finals match-up with Game 1 starting tonight in Anaheim, which will be a repeat of last years first round, and the second leg of what I have previously dubbed, "The Eyesore Series". The opponent: the Trashville Predators. Paint It Orange versus whatever the fuck those hicks call using their piss-yellow jerseys and stupid chants accompanied with banjos. 

Anaheim have exorcised their one big demon, and now, they'll have a chance to do it again against the team who have bested them in two prior post season matchups. The two teams have a similar style of play, and it will be the hardest test for Anaheim yet. Should be fun...as long as I don't have the sound on when they're playing in Trashville.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Preds fans get the chance to smash up a car in front of Bridgestone Arena which ends up being one of those poor bastard's home.

Stanley Cup Playoffs Round 2 Preview

[McBiscuit: "Dammit, Leon! Did you ask Big Dumb to spell 'cat' again?! Look at his face! You broke him!" photo: R. Carr/Getty Images]

Ducks v Oilers: Great, another fucking team from Alberta. Thanks, San Jose.

With the Ducks making hasty work by sweeping those Perverts from Calgary, they prepare for the second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs where they'll match up against...ugh...another team from that wasteland, aka Alberta, the Deadmonton Oilers. 

The Oilers have found themselves moving on to round 2 by sending the San Jose Shorks back to their choking ways after dispatching them in 6 games. Tonight, Anaheim and Deadmonton start their series. Hashtags - "Paint It Orange" and the "Orange Crush" will clash in what I am now calling, "The Eyesore Series" because of all the damn orange which will take place on both sides.

We can all agree that this isn't your typical Oilers team who were the norm in the draft lottery after consistently letting their supporters down for about 300 straight years. Now, they have proven their doubters wrong by being an offense danger with that one dude, Connor McNugget, whose unreal talent is, what I can guess, gained from a combination of Devil's Dandruff, good ol' crack, and Angel Dust. Suffice it to say, it won't be that easy for Anaheim. With that, here are a few keys for the Ducks to be successful against these assholes from that Alberta shit hole: 

Connor McMuffin: Ryan Kesler will have the task of shutting down the Oilers star crackhead and captain. They'll also succeed if they find a way to stop his pusher from supplying him with his sweet-sweet drugs.

Zack Kassian: During game play, inform him that Ted Nugent wants to meet him, and fake a dinner invitation. Being the dim-witted, redneck moron that he totally is, he'll be so excited that he won't think of anything else.

Cam Talbot: Blackmail him with the fact that we know his true identity as the singer of Maroon 5. Come on, Adam Lev-I mean-Cam, you're not fooling anyone...

Patrick Maroon: Easy. Just engage him in a spelling contest.

Should be a fun one!

Go Ducks!

Prediction: I'll hold another bake sale and possibly a car wash to raise funds so that I can pay the refs to not give any power play chances to the Ducks AT ALL during this second round. Worked last round! Also, Maroon clogs every toilet in the visitors dressing room.

Stanley Cup Playoffs Series Preview

[Gaudreau: "Sean! Why the black bar??" Monahan: "I'll tell you when you're 14." photo: R. Graessle/Icon Sportswire]

Round 1 - Ducks v Calgary: Let's Get Perverty!

WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT! READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

Ok, got that out of the way. With Anaheim clinching the Pacific Division title for the "fif" consecutive time (...yay...), they will face off against the second wild card team in the Western Conference on Thursday night at the Honda Center. 

Now, before I go any further, I'd like to thank my dear friend Tara who pointed this out to me a couple of years ago. Because of her, my eyes were opened and I can no longer unsee what I will show you.

As I disclaimed at the beginning of this post, the content will be explicit, and the reason is because the team that the Ducks will take on in the first round are none other than those disgustingly-despicable perverts from Calgary who, for all these years, have deceived the world by disguising their logo with the letter C when in fact they're actually using a phallic symbol engulfed in flames. Allow me to show you the shocking proof which I've highlighted:

The evidence is appallingly clear, and their use of an immature penis logo is downright distasteful. Flames owner, Nasty Murray Edwards, should be ashamed of himself! Especially with the troubling fact that the these pervs from Calgary employ 11 year old star forward, Johnny Gaudreau. Absolutely classless. But hey, what do you expect from a club that's captained by Dustin Brown's School of Making Dirty Knee-On-Knee Hits Look Like Accidents alumni Mark Giordano?

Either way, this out to be an interestingly-sinful first round.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Those in attendance during the first round are given hazmat suits to prevent contracting any terrible flaming Calgarian diseases while parents cover the eyes of their children for at least 60 minutes of gameplay.

Ducks Gameday: Post season, here we come!...sorry, LA.

"Golf Kings, Golf!"

The end is finally here! 

The Anaheim Ducks play hosts to those a-holes from LA in the last game of the regular season before the "Second Season" begins...except for the Kings, but that doesn't mean they won't try to play spoilers with Anaheim just 1-point away from surprisingly and unexpectedly clinching the Pacific Division title for the fifth consecutive season. Meanwhile, the Kings will get an early start to teeing off for the next 6 months. But where did it all go wrong? LA is always considered to be Cup contenders since 2012 and in the last three seasons, they've only managed to win one playoff game. Let's take a quick jaunt down the sinking ship of season for our rivals just north up the I-5.

It started with the tragic removal of captaincy to the biggest douche noodle who has ever worn the letter, Dustin "Whoops! Those Were Your Knees??" Brown. It seemed as though his constant applying of wet-willies and non-stop team bench crop dusting was just too much forcing GM Lombardi to give Frankenstein looking enthusiast, Anze Kopitar, a promotion which help the new Cap'n reach a careers best recording an awe-inspiring 12G/40A for this season. Los Angeles' herculean march to the putting green was assisted when Jonathan Quick manage to temper tantrum his way to a groin injury which sidelined him for 4 1/2 months. Peter Budaj was called upon to fill the #1 goaltending void, and held his own so well that he was rewarded by being traded to Tampa Bay for a struggling Ben Bishop. The Kings also decided to throw their hat in the Geriatrics ring by picking up Metamucil advocate, Jerome Iginla, in hopes of pulling the team into actual playoff contention! Fortunately, the ship had already sprung leaks and was taking on water. 

And so, here we are today. Anaheim and Los Angeles in the final game of the season. The Ducks control their fate as to who they will match up with in the first round which will either be San Jose or those perverts from Calgary. The Kings won't make it easy before they enjoy their summer of trying to get their balls out of sand traps, but hey, offseason doesn't matter, right? 

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Immense eye rolling from oh-so clever comments such as: "2 > 1", "you'll be out in the 1st round", "...game 7" by Kings fans in attendance while their "Go Kings, Go" chants slowly turn into shouts of "Fore!"

Ducks Gameday: Quick/Trump 2016

[original photos by Getty Images]

With Cory Rosas still enjoying the sunshine on his shoulders while getting Rocky Mountain high, I'm ruining his chairs butt groove over at BoC. It'll definitely be warm when he gets it back.

The 2016/2017 NHL regular season is well underway by just hitting the ten-game mark, and Ducks/Kings fans are about to get a taste of blood being that tonight will be the first game of Southern California's "Freeway Series". With both teams and fan bases prepping for what will definitely be an intense game, it is without a doubt a very special one because as you all know, it's just one week before what could be the apocalypse. Yes, the 2016 Presidential Election is upon us - the end of this nation is possibly nigh. 

With that, I cannot help but notice a stark similarity between Republican Presidential nominee, Donald Trump, and Los Angeles Kings netminder, Jonathan Quick. It's known that both have been very successful in their roles - Trump has made tons o' money, and Quick is known to be one of the top goal tenders in hockey with helping his team in winning the Stanley Cup twice. But those aren't the similarities that I'm talking about, it's undeniable that the biggest trait the two share is their ability to be the biggest man-babies the world has come to know.

Trump has already demonstrated the quality of his character in the public eye over, and over again in flawless fashion. Well, so has Quick by throwing the biggest hissy-fits out on the ice when an opposing player either touches him, skates too close to him in his crease, or just plainly asks how his day is going - his actions rival those of a two-year old spoiled brat whose parents just took away his iPhone 7 Plus because it was bed time. Quick even managed to find himself on injured reserve when he received a lower-body injury by throwing a tantrum during the first period of the Kings opening game of the season in San Jose when Sharks cap'n, Joe Pavelski, asked if Quick had a lovely summer right after Sharks native human-beaver mutant, Logan Couture, had scored. Little Boy Quick was not happy at all.

[video courtesy of NHL/NBCSports/Sportsnet Canada]

No matter how you look at it, it's annoyingly astonishing how both Trump and Quick have an uncanny resemblance in their skills as being the biggest babies in this country, if not the planet. Maybe Pence should step aside so that Jonathan Quick can be Trumps running-mate for this years election. They can change the slogan of, "Make America Great Again" to plainly this:

"Make America Tantrum Again"

Go Ducks!

Prediction: We enjoy the last Freeway Face-Off game prior to the world ending next week.

Screw you, Rock n Roll Hall of Fame

[Torts in disgust when he realizes that Hall & Oats are in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame]

While the beautiful and studly Cory Rosas is deepening his connection with the late John Denver out at Rocky Mountain National Park, I have been questionably called upon to fill in for the next couple of Ducks Gamedays at BoC. It feels like Christmas has come early. 

Tonight, the Ducks take on the visiting Blue Jackets, and I was going to write about how Columbus is a terrible, vile place, but I needed to write about something that I'm passionate about. Though it has nothing to do with hockey, it still irks me and it does have something to do with the state of Ohio (in Cleveland, to be exact). No, it's not about the Indians or the Cavaliers - I've got a bone to pick with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame because of this...

Why the hell haven't those assholes inducted the Cure?!

Seriously, they've inducted Green Day for fuck's sake, and the Cure are constantly snubbed! Robert Smith's catalog is extensive, and the band have released at least thirty records! Yes! 30! How the hell can you say no to the dude that wrote Standing On A Beach, Disintegration, Pornography...just to name a few?! And don't even get me started with Depeche Mode who are still waiting to be inducted as well, it's an atrocity. I'll just say this, get your shit together, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Oh, and in smaller news, the Ducks have finally re-signed Rakell and Lindholm. Ikea twin powers activate!

Go Ducks! and RIP Harambe...huh, I guess things do suck in Ohio.

Prediction: Torts has one of his typical melt-downs behind the bench, then storms off into the locker room where he puts on "Boys Don't Cry".

Crap: the Ducks regular season starts today.

[RC: "'Chase & Dump and Dump & Chase', that's what we're gonna do!" photo by Jae C Hong]

The 2016/2017 NHL regular season began last night, and boy, was it exciting. Austin Matthews appeared to walk on water before leading his team to an overtime loss, the Oilers had a long ass ceremony showcasing their new arena, the Blackhawks were awesomely defeated by the Blues in Chicago, and Jonathan Quick tantrum'd himself to a lower-body injury. One thing is certain:

It's great to have hockey back!

Tonight, it will be game one of eighty-two for the Anaheim Ducks who once again start their season out on the road in Dallas against the Stars, and many pundits have predicted that it will be a very long season with the club barely squeezing themselves into a playoff spot if not missing the post-season altogether. The firing of Boudreau/hiring of Randy Carlyle, the immense head scratching acquisition of Jared Boll, and the shenanigans surrounding GMBM & Swedish Hold-Out Mafia (well, duo) have lead said pundits to assist in making their ill-fated predictions for Anaheim. For Ducks fans, a heavy cloud of uncertainty for this upcoming season can definitely be felt, and the tension is palpable. Now, I'm not one for predictions (because they're usually very wrong), but if you really want to know my feelings about how the Ducks will fare this season, I will gladly tell you with a simple query: 

Which is better: BevMo! or Total Wine?

Now, both supply a high amount of booze which anyone would be happy in choosing to stock up their fridge and/or liquor cabinet. BevMo! has a very good variety of hard hooch, however, I feel that Total Wine has a better selection of craft beer. Also, I have been very happy with the customer service that Total Wine gives, and they do have a walk-in cooler for self selected kegs, and they seem to showcase season releases more than their competitors. For me, the biggest advantage that Total Wine has over BevMo! is that there's one right across the street from where I work, and that's why I choose them over other places.

So, if you're wondering, "what the hell does this have to do with how you feel the Ducks will perform this season??" It's easy, these places (along with local OC breweries) will be getting a lot of my money either before, during, or after every single Ducks game to help me sadly cope with what could easily be a very, very long season. Liver, you best be ready.

Go Ducks!

The Dustin Brown "Tragedy"

[Brown: "But didn't I do it all for the nookie?" Photo by unknown]

As the NHL pre-season continues, I am once again given the honor to contribute to Battle of California for today's Ducks matchup with the visiting LA Convicts Kings. Thanks again...suckas! 

He wore the 'C' for eight seasons with the Los Angeles Kings where he led them to two Stanley Cup championships (something that couldn't even happen with The Great One). Known for his physical play, not being brighter than a six year old, and having gigantic forehead; he thought he had it all. That was until his team's management decided to strip away his beloved captaincy before handing it off to Anze "Perma-Scarlet Fever Lookin'" Kopitar. 

Dustin Brown's world was falling apart. 

Many have speculated the reason behind the lost of captaincy for Brown has been because of the apparent decline in his production while still being paid a whopping $7MM in his annual NHL salary. But that's not it. A "source" has informed me that Dustin Brown simply let it all go to his overgrown head. A team mate of his (who has requested to remain anonymous) has come forward with the real reasons as to why Brown is no longer team captain.

"I don't know, man. He just started to become an even bigger douchebag than he normally is", stated his anonymous team mate who also claims that Brown spent endless hours in the team lounge shoving unbelievable amounts of Pizza Combos in his mouth whilst playing Call of Duty and breaking promises to let other team mates play by shouting, "I'm the captain! My console! My turn!" Claims also include drinking liters upon liters of Mountain Dew - Code Red, always choosing to play Limp Bizkit at high volume levels in the locker room, shooting spit wads into Drew Doughty's missing teeth gap, and constantly hazing the rookies. His anonymous team mate recalls, "I stopped carpooling with (Dustin) Brown after one too many times where he would lock his windows and turn on his heater before starting to rip the grossest milk-farts you can ever imagine. The stench was absolutely unbearable."

After throwing a 3-day tantrum, Brown finally came to terms with the change. Whether or not he has accepted it remains unseen. One thing's for certain: the upcoming season for the former captain will definitely be interesting.

-Go Ducks

PREDICTION: During a warm-up skate, Brown and Kopitar have a terrible knee-on-knee collision where Brown calmly states with a slight grin on his face, "it was an 'accident'."

It's happening again...

[RC informs the troops that their up & coming season will probably be crummy. Photo by me]

Good news, everyone! Not only is this my first post on OotP for the new season, those lovely cats over at BoC will also be posting this on their site! A highly questionable decision, of course!

The sun sets at a earlier time, all the brats go back to school, the leaves start to change color and the weather starts to get a chill (unless you're in Southern California where it appears to get hotter and hotter with no end in sight), and yes, all the NHL/AHL players return from their fancy summer homes in which they flock to during the offseason save for the ones who play in an "international" tournament fabricated by the NHL to sell ugly ass jerseys. 

It's time to prepare for the NHL regular season.

All 30 teams have begun their training camps, this past weekend, the Anaheim Ducks began theirs. I was able to attend a couple of practices, and let me tell you, the air in the room was definitely different this time around. Things have changed a lot since we've last seen the group of players who disappointed so many of it's fans when they were dispatched in 7 games by the Nashville Predators - an all too familiar let down which is now a regular thing. So with that, GMBM decided to fire then head coach Bruce Boudreau in place of running back to his ol' ex-lover, Randy Fucking Carlyle. My description of how things felt at Anaheim Ice can be best described in one word: uncertainty. 

Long gone are players such as Freddie Andersen, David Perron, Chris Stewart, and Jamie McGinn. New faces such as Antoine Vermette, Jonathan Bernier, Mason Raymond, and future hockey Hall of Famer/NHL superstar Jared Boll will be wearing an Anaheim jersey. Hence, the uncertain feeling. Nevertheless, I took it upon myself to jot down some notes of the things that really stood out to me during the practices that I attended as we get ready for the first game of the pre-season, which will be tonight against the Yotes. I'm sure these notes will be rather informative:

Ducks training camp crap

(Groups 1&2)

• The donuts from The Donut Man are tasty! So is my coffee from Ink + Bean!
• Time to start: D-zone breakout drill (RCs head still looks like the bottom of a decomposing eggplant)
• RC loves to yell
• Dannis - no shot at making the team
• We gonna trade Fowler or what??
• This years ever so motivating motto: "'Good enough is the death of greatness'"... No, I'm not joking.
• Group 1 w/ Fowler, Stoner, Julis, PTOs(who won't be here come start of the season), Montour
• Mayray/Vermette: some of the new dudes
• Dump n Chase. That's new, right?
• Jared Boll: our lord and savior
• World Cup of Ugly Ass Jerseys players not here
• Cogs and Boll on the same line for past couple of practices - welcome to the 4th line, Corgs! But let's be honest, it's RC so it will be the 1st line.
• Carlyle is all about the D, and nothing else but the D
• Man, I could use a nap right about now
• Bernier has some of the weakest calves that I've ever seen. Wear pants, dude.
• Skating in circles for 15 mins = hard nips cause it's cold
• It's over. I need beer.

Go Ducks!

SEASON PREDICTION: ugh.