Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Ducks Gameday: Quick/Trump 2016

[original photos by Getty Images]

With Cory Rosas still enjoying the sunshine on his shoulders while getting Rocky Mountain high, I'm ruining his chairs butt groove over at BoC. It'll definitely be warm when he gets it back.

The 2016/2017 NHL regular season is well underway by just hitting the ten-game mark, and Ducks/Kings fans are about to get a taste of blood being that tonight will be the first game of Southern California's "Freeway Series". With both teams and fan bases prepping for what will definitely be an intense game, it is without a doubt a very special one because as you all know, it's just one week before what could be the apocalypse. Yes, the 2016 Presidential Election is upon us - the end of this nation is possibly nigh. 

With that, I cannot help but notice a stark similarity between Republican Presidential nominee, Donald Trump, and Los Angeles Kings netminder, Jonathan Quick. It's known that both have been very successful in their roles - Trump has made tons o' money, and Quick is known to be one of the top goal tenders in hockey with helping his team in winning the Stanley Cup twice. But those aren't the similarities that I'm talking about, it's undeniable that the biggest trait the two share is their ability to be the biggest man-babies the world has come to know.

Trump has already demonstrated the quality of his character in the public eye over, and over again in flawless fashion. Well, so has Quick by throwing the biggest hissy-fits out on the ice when an opposing player either touches him, skates too close to him in his crease, or just plainly asks how his day is going - his actions rival those of a two-year old spoiled brat whose parents just took away his iPhone 7 Plus because it was bed time. Quick even managed to find himself on injured reserve when he received a lower-body injury by throwing a tantrum during the first period of the Kings opening game of the season in San Jose when Sharks cap'n, Joe Pavelski, asked if Quick had a lovely summer right after Sharks native human-beaver mutant, Logan Couture, had scored. Little Boy Quick was not happy at all.

[video courtesy of NHL/NBCSports/Sportsnet Canada]

No matter how you look at it, it's annoyingly astonishing how both Trump and Quick have an uncanny resemblance in their skills as being the biggest babies in this country, if not the planet. Maybe Pence should step aside so that Jonathan Quick can be Trumps running-mate for this years election. They can change the slogan of, "Make America Great Again" to plainly this:

"Make America Tantrum Again"

Go Ducks!

Prediction: We enjoy the last Freeway Face-Off game prior to the world ending next week.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Screw you, Rock n Roll Hall of Fame

[Torts in disgust when he realizes that Hall & Oats are in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame]

While the beautiful and studly Cory Rosas is deepening his connection with the late John Denver out at Rocky Mountain National Park, I have been questionably called upon to fill in for the next couple of Ducks Gamedays at BoC. It feels like Christmas has come early

Tonight, the Ducks take on the visiting Blue Jackets, and I was going to write about how Columbus is a terrible, vile place, but I needed to write about something that I'm passionate about. Though it has nothing to do with hockey, it still irks me and it does have something to do with the state of Ohio (in Cleveland, to be exact). No, it's not about the Indians or the Cavaliers - I've got a bone to pick with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame because of this...

Why the hell haven't those assholes inducted the Cure?!

Seriously, they've inducted Green Day for fuck's sake, and the Cure are constantly snubbed! Robert Smith's catalog is extensive, and the band have released at least thirty records! Yes! 30! How the hell can you say no to the dude that wrote Standing On A Beach, Disintegration, Pornography...just to name a few?! And don't even get me started with Depeche Mode who are still waiting to be inducted as well, it's an atrocity. I'll just say this, get your shit together, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Oh, and in smaller news, the Ducks have finally re-signed Rakell and Lindholm. Ikea twin powers activate!

Go Ducks! and RIP Harambe...huh, I guess things do suck in Ohio.

Prediction: Torts has one of his typical melt-downs behind the bench, then storms off into the locker room where he puts on "Boys Don't Cry".

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Crap: the Ducks regular season starts today.

[RC: "'Chase & Dump and Dump & Chase', that's what we're gonna do!" photo by Jae C Hong]

The 2016/2017 NHL regular season began last night, and boy, was it exciting. Austin Matthews appeared to walk on water before leading his team to an overtime loss, the Oilers had a long ass ceremony showcasing their new arena, the Blackhawks were awesomely defeated by the Blues in Chicago, and Jonathan Quick tantrum'd himself to a lower-body injury. One thing is certain:

It's great to have hockey back!

Tonight, it will be game one of eighty-two for the Anaheim Ducks who once again start their season out on the road in Dallas against the Stars, and many pundits have predicted that it will be a very long season with the club barely squeezing themselves into a playoff spot if not missing the post-season altogether. The firing of Boudreau/hiring of Randy Carlyle, the immense head scratching acquisition of Jared Boll, and the shenanigans surrounding GMBM & Swedish Hold-Out Mafia (well, duo) have lead said pundits to assist in making their ill-fated predictions for Anaheim. For Ducks fans, a heavy cloud of uncertainty for this upcoming season can definitely be felt, and the tension is palpable. Now, I'm not one for predictions (because they're usually very wrong), but if you really want to know my feelings about how the Ducks will fare this season, I will gladly tell you with a simple query: 

Which is better: BevMo! or Total Wine?

Now, both supply a high amount of booze which anyone would be happy in choosing to stock up their fridge and/or liquor cabinet. BevMo! has a very good variety of hard hooch, however, I feel that Total Wine has a better selection of craft beer. Also, I have been very happy with the customer service that Total Wine gives, and they do have a walk-in cooler for self selected kegs, and they seem to showcase season releases more than their competitors. For me, the biggest advantage that Total Wine has over BevMo! is that there's one right across the street from where I work, and that's why I choose them over other places.

So, if you're wondering, "what the hell does this have to do with how you feel the Ducks will perform this season??" It's easy, these places (along with local OC breweries) will be getting a lot of my money either before, during, or after every single Ducks game to help me sadly cope with what could easily be a very, very long season. Liver, you best be ready.

Go Ducks!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

The Dustin Brown "Tragedy"

[Brown: "But didn't I do it all for the nookie?" Photo by unknown]

As the NHL pre-season continues, I am once again given the honor to contribute to Battle of California for today's Ducks matchup with the visiting LA Convicts Kings. Thanks again...suckas! 

He wore the 'C' for eight seasons with the Los Angeles Kings where he led them to two Stanley Cup championships (something that couldn't even happen with The Great One). Known for his physical play, not being brighter than a six year old, and having gigantic forehead; he thought he had it all. That was until his team's management decided to strip away his beloved captaincy before handing it off to Anze "Perma-Scarlet Fever Lookin'" Kopitar. 

Dustin Brown's world was falling apart. 

Many have speculated the reason behind the lost of captaincy for Brown has been because of the apparent decline in his production while still being paid a whopping $7MM in his annual NHL salary. But that's not it. A "source" has informed me that Dustin Brown simply let it all go to his overgrown head. A team mate of his (who has requested to remain anonymous) has come forward with the real reasons as to why Brown is no longer team captain.

"I don't know, man. He just started to become an even bigger douchebag than he normally is", stated his anonymous team mate who also claims that Brown spent endless hours in the team lounge shoving unbelievable amounts of Pizza Combos in his mouth whilst playing Call of Duty and breaking promises to let other team mates play by shouting, "I'm the captain! My console! My turn!" Claims also include drinking liters upon liters of Mountain Dew - Code Red, always choosing to play Limp Bizkit at high volume levels in the locker room, shooting spit wads into Drew Doughty's missing teeth gap, and constantly hazing the rookies. His anonymous team mate recalls, "I stopped carpooling with (Dustin) Brown after one too many times where he would lock his windows and turn on his heater before starting to rip the grossest milk-farts you can ever imagine. The stench was absolutely unbearable."

After throwing a 3-day tantrum, Brown finally came to terms with the change. Whether or not he has accepted it remains unseen. One thing's for certain: the upcoming season for the former captain will definitely be interesting.

-Go Ducks

PREDICTION: During a warm-up skate, Brown and Kopitar have a terrible knee-on-knee collision where Brown calmly states with a slight grin on his face, "it was an 'accident'."

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

It's happening again...

[RC informs the troops that their up & coming season will probably be crummy. Photo by me]
Good news, everyone! Not only is this my first post on OotP for the new season, those lovely cats over at BoC will also be posting this on their site! A highly questionable decision, of course!

The sun sets at a earlier time, all the brats go back to school, the leaves start to change color and the weather starts to get a chill (unless you're in Southern California where it appears to get hotter and hotter with no end in sight), and yes, all the NHL/AHL players return from their fancy summer homes in which they flock to during the offseason save for the ones who play in an "international" tournament fabricated by the NHL to sell ugly ass jerseys. 

It's time to prepare for the NHL regular season.

All 30 teams have begun their training camps, this past weekend, the Anaheim Ducks began theirs. I was able to attend a couple of practices, and let me tell you, the air in the room was definitely different this time around. Things have changed a lot since we've last seen the group of players who disappointed so many of it's fans when they were dispatched in 7 games by the Nashville Predators - an all too familiar let down which is now a regular thing. So with that, GMBM decided to fire then head coach Bruce Boudreau in place of running back to his ol' ex-lover, Randy Fucking Carlyle. My description of how things felt at Anaheim Ice can be best described in one word: uncertainty. 

Long gone are players such as Freddie Andersen, David Perron, Chris Stewart, and Jamie McGinn. New faces such as Antoine Vermette, Jonathan Bernier, Mason Raymond, and future hockey Hall of Famer/NHL superstar Jared Boll will be wearing an Anaheim jersey. Hence, the uncertain feeling. Nevertheless, I took it upon myself to jot down some notes of the things that really stood out to me during the practices that I attended as we get ready for the first game of the pre-season, which will be tonight against the Yotes. I'm sure these notes will be rather informative:

Ducks training camp crap
(Groups 1&2)

  • The donuts from The Donut Man are tasty! So is my coffee from Ink + Bean!
  • Time to start: D-zone breakout drill (RCs head still looks like the bottom of a decomposing eggplant)
  • RC loves to yell
  • Dannis - no shot at making the team
  • We gonna trade Fowler or what??
  • This years ever so motivating motto: "'Good enough is the death of greatness'"... No, I'm not joking.
  • Group 1 w/ Fowler, Stoner, Julis, PTOs(who won't be here come start of the season), Montour
  • Mayray/Vermette: some of the new dudes
  • Dump n Chase. That's new, right?
  • Jared Boll: our lord and savior
  • World Cup of Ugly Ass Jerseys players not here
  • Cogs and Boll on the same line for past couple of practices - welcome to the 4th line, Corgs! But let's be honest, it's RC so it will be the 1st line.
  • Carlyle is all about the D, and nothing else but the D
  • Man, I could use a nap right about now
  • Bernier has some of the weakest calves that I've ever seen. Wear pants, dude.
  • Skating in circles for 15 mins = hard nips cause it's cold
  • It's over. I need beer.

Go Ducks!


Monday, April 25, 2016

Hey Assholes, Just Shut Up and Win Game 6!

[Photo by V. Decolongon]

Go Ducks!

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Anaheim Ducks: "We've Got 'Em Right Where We Want 'Em!"

Nashville Predator fans rejoice after their team go 2-0 in the round one...by jumping in pools of their own poo.

Giving Jer over at Battle of California some much needed time off to lounge around in his morning robe, watch cartoons, and eat cereal out of a giant mixing bowl with a wooden spoon; I've taken the opportunity to guest post during the first round of this years Stanley Cup playoffs. Breathe it in, people!

There's nothing more disheartening then seeing what a complete failure your team is after they've made you feel that they were going to win a series from a 2-0 start on the road during the NHL playoffs...

And that's what the Anaheim Ducks are doing to the Nashville Predators. Yes, Ducks fans, have no fear because as what the rap kids say these days, "we've got 'em right where we want 'em"!

Anaheim are now the road team in this first round of the post season against the Predators after dropping games one & two in the most sacrificial, nay, charitable way possible. Charitable because giving Preds fans hope is the best way to draw their attention from the fact that Nashville is nothing but a shitty and terrible place. From their out of control meth epidemic to slack jawed yokels named "Cletus", Nashville is riddled with bare footed people who have had to learned to live without wearing shoes due to their near extinction in Tennessee, yet denim overalls are aplenty inside the many Walmart stores that are located on every neighborhood street corner - hence the cities unofficial nickname that residents lovingly call: "Trashville". 

Unfortunately, the dream will soon be crushed for fans of the Predators, and back to harsh reality, they'll go. To dueling banjos on disgustingly hot & humid summer nights while underage nannies will be forced to hide from the likes of Mike Riberio, the residents of Trashville will shed a tear as they look back and say that they had it good for two games.

Go Ducks!


Sloppy drunk from having too much of her grandpappy's homemade white lightning, Carrie Underwood is ejected from the building after throwing a dead raccoon out onto the ice to give her husband, Mike Underwood, a mid-game snack.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Freeway Face-Off = A Brief Lesson...

[Doughty: "Hey Quicky, warden says that if we win tonight. we can use our goats for conjugal visits!!' Photo by K. Lee]

Today, Anaheim will take on the Los Angeles Convicts Kings at the Honda Center for their first regular season match of the year. Being that it's LA, I thought that it was necessary for a brief rundown of something that was introduced to the prison system a little over 100 years ago. Enjoy the lesson since we will be seeing it in use tonight...

Work Release Program

(Per Wikipedia)

"In prison systems, work release programs allow a prisoner who is sufficiently trusted or can be sufficiently monitored to leave confinement to continue working at their current place of employment, returning to prison when their shift is complete. The concept was introduced in Wisconsin in 1913 under a law written by state senator Henry Huber. The program is often referred to locally as the 'Huber Law' program."

Ducks v Convicts @ 18:00

Go Ducks!

PS: As many of you know, Anaheim were involved in a very early trade yesterday morning which sent Carl "Swagelin" Hagelin to the Pittsburg Penguins for LW David Perron and defenseman Adam Clendening. Bummer being that Swags was starting to finally find his game. All the best, Cooooral. Gonna miss that flow.


Definite high levels of annoyance due to the "Go Kings Go" chants that will ring throughout the Honda Center.

Friday, January 15, 2016

An open letter to Jamie Benn...

[Perry: "So Jamie, Tyler's your private pool boy, eh? He for hire??" Benn: "Yeah!!!" Photo by P. Noble]
It's happened again! Either the people over at Battle of California like me or Jer lost a bet and asked me to guest post once more. Just like the last, my post for BoC will be today's OOTP. So soak it up, darlings!

Dear Mr. Benn,

First, I'd like to start off by saying that although I am a Ducks fan, I am also a fan of you because I recognize the talent that you possess out on the ice. Sure, some might say that I have a raging man-crush going on here, and you know what? I have no problem in admitting that I do. Ok, we've got that out there - the ice is broken. With all that being said, I wanted to ask, nay, I wanted to beg you for this one simple thing:

Please please please will you come and play for the Anaheim Ducks? Pretty please?

As you may know, so far the Ducks haven't had their best season, and the team are struggling for offense. I've seen what you can do when playing along side Gezlaf and Perry: you three have done damage on a line together during international play such as the Winter Olympics. Hell! Even I'm not the only one who knows what a perfect fit you are with the Twins! Pierre LeBrun mentioned it in a piece just this past September when previewing Anaheim's upcoming season. Not only do I feel that you will find success in playing here, you will no longer have to live in that God awful "Home of George W. Bush" aka Texas! You also won't have to deal with that annoying #Bang moron and his terrible taste in crappy 80's blazers. If you're a fan of Austin, then hey! We have the hipsterest of all hipsters in Silverlake and Echo Park! And if the whole conservative-republican Texan thing is your deal, well, you'll feel right at home in Orange County! It will be a win-win situation for all of us. Look, it's obvious you belong here, because I'm pretty sure Getzy's no-look back passes are intended for you and you only.

So please, I beg you, come to Anaheim. What's that? "Not without Tyler", you ask? Ok, then, bring him along. I'm sure he'll be happy here because In-N-Out is a plenty in California, but you'll have to re-consider your whole "not going down on women" policy. I mean really, man, give a little.

I want to thank you for taking time in reading this letter, and I look forward to seeing you in that Ducks sweater.

I love you,


Go Ducks!


Mr. Benn respectfully declines leading me to purchase duct tape, a book on how to brainwash, a computer with NHL GCL to play Ducks games, eye drops, and a bottle of chloroform.

Inspirational Music:

In the spirit of begging JB to move to California, this song was the first thing that popped into my head. It's fitting, I think.