Friday, October 28, 2016

Screw you, Rock n Roll Hall of Fame

[Torts in disgust when he realizes that Hall & Oats are in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame]

While the beautiful and studly Cory Rosas is deepening his connection with the late John Denver out at Rocky Mountain National Park, I have been questionably called upon to fill in for the next couple of Ducks Gamedays at BoC. It feels like Christmas has come early

Tonight, the Ducks take on the visiting Blue Jackets, and I was going to write about how Columbus is a terrible, vile place, but I needed to write about something that I'm passionate about. Though it has nothing to do with hockey, it still irks me and it does have something to do with the state of Ohio (in Cleveland, to be exact). No, it's not about the Indians or the Cavaliers - I've got a bone to pick with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame because of this...

Why the hell haven't those assholes inducted the Cure?!

Seriously, they've inducted Green Day for fuck's sake, and the Cure are constantly snubbed! Robert Smith's catalog is extensive, and the band have released at least thirty records! Yes! 30! How the hell can you say no to the dude that wrote Standing On A Beach, Disintegration, Pornography...just to name a few?! And don't even get me started with Depeche Mode who are still waiting to be inducted as well, it's an atrocity. I'll just say this, get your shit together, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Oh, and in smaller news, the Ducks have finally re-signed Rakell and Lindholm. Ikea twin powers activate!

Go Ducks! and RIP Harambe...huh, I guess things do suck in Ohio.

Prediction: Torts has one of his typical melt-downs behind the bench, then storms off into the locker room where he puts on "Boys Don't Cry".

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Crap: the Ducks regular season starts today.

[RC: "'Chase & Dump and Dump & Chase', that's what we're gonna do!" photo by Jae C Hong]

The 2016/2017 NHL regular season began last night, and boy, was it exciting. Austin Matthews appeared to walk on water before leading his team to an overtime loss, the Oilers had a long ass ceremony showcasing their new arena, the Blackhawks were awesomely defeated by the Blues in Chicago, and Jonathan Quick tantrum'd himself to a lower-body injury. One thing is certain:

It's great to have hockey back!

Tonight, it will be game one of eighty-two for the Anaheim Ducks who once again start their season out on the road in Dallas against the Stars, and many pundits have predicted that it will be a very long season with the club barely squeezing themselves into a playoff spot if not missing the post-season altogether. The firing of Boudreau/hiring of Randy Carlyle, the immense head scratching acquisition of Jared Boll, and the shenanigans surrounding GMBM & Swedish Hold-Out Mafia (well, duo) have lead said pundits to assist in making their ill-fated predictions for Anaheim. For Ducks fans, a heavy cloud of uncertainty for this upcoming season can definitely be felt, and the tension is palpable. Now, I'm not one for predictions (because they're usually very wrong), but if you really want to know my feelings about how the Ducks will fare this season, I will gladly tell you with a simple query: 

Which is better: BevMo! or Total Wine?

Now, both supply a high amount of booze which anyone would be happy in choosing to stock up their fridge and/or liquor cabinet. BevMo! has a very good variety of hard hooch, however, I feel that Total Wine has a better selection of craft beer. Also, I have been very happy with the customer service that Total Wine gives, and they do have a walk-in cooler for self selected kegs, and they seem to showcase season releases more than their competitors. For me, the biggest advantage that Total Wine has over BevMo! is that there's one right across the street from where I work, and that's why I choose them over other places.

So, if you're wondering, "what the hell does this have to do with how you feel the Ducks will perform this season??" It's easy, these places (along with local OC breweries) will be getting a lot of my money either before, during, or after every single Ducks game to help me sadly cope with what could easily be a very, very long season. Liver, you best be ready.

Go Ducks!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

The Dustin Brown "Tragedy"

[Brown: "But didn't I do it all for the nookie?" Photo by unknown]

As the NHL pre-season continues, I am once again given the honor to contribute to Battle of California for today's Ducks matchup with the visiting LA Convicts Kings. Thanks again...suckas! 

He wore the 'C' for eight seasons with the Los Angeles Kings where he led them to two Stanley Cup championships (something that couldn't even happen with The Great One). Known for his physical play, not being brighter than a six year old, and having gigantic forehead; he thought he had it all. That was until his team's management decided to strip away his beloved captaincy before handing it off to Anze "Perma-Scarlet Fever Lookin'" Kopitar. 

Dustin Brown's world was falling apart. 

Many have speculated the reason behind the lost of captaincy for Brown has been because of the apparent decline in his production while still being paid a whopping $7MM in his annual NHL salary. But that's not it. A "source" has informed me that Dustin Brown simply let it all go to his overgrown head. A team mate of his (who has requested to remain anonymous) has come forward with the real reasons as to why Brown is no longer team captain.

"I don't know, man. He just started to become an even bigger douchebag than he normally is", stated his anonymous team mate who also claims that Brown spent endless hours in the team lounge shoving unbelievable amounts of Pizza Combos in his mouth whilst playing Call of Duty and breaking promises to let other team mates play by shouting, "I'm the captain! My console! My turn!" Claims also include drinking liters upon liters of Mountain Dew - Code Red, always choosing to play Limp Bizkit at high volume levels in the locker room, shooting spit wads into Drew Doughty's missing teeth gap, and constantly hazing the rookies. His anonymous team mate recalls, "I stopped carpooling with (Dustin) Brown after one too many times where he would lock his windows and turn on his heater before starting to rip the grossest milk-farts you can ever imagine. The stench was absolutely unbearable."

After throwing a 3-day tantrum, Brown finally came to terms with the change. Whether or not he has accepted it remains unseen. One thing's for certain: the upcoming season for the former captain will definitely be interesting.

-Go Ducks

PREDICTION: During a warm-up skate, Brown and Kopitar have a terrible knee-on-knee collision where Brown calmly states with a slight grin on his face, "it was an 'accident'."