Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Left-Winger For Hire

Anaheim's Next Top 3RD (4TH) Line Winger!

With the NHL pre-season underway, the Ducks are poised to make their mark going into the start of the regular season with a whole new game plan of using younger/faster players. I know, I’s about damn time. Unfortunately, GM Bob Murray hopes that archaic system master himself, Randy Carlyle, can implement a modern day system. Oh, this otta be good. 

Meanwhile, one player still remains to be re-signed: Nick Ritchie. The baby-faced left winger whose eyes are way too close together is a hold-out after being unsatisfied with contract offers from the Anaheim club’s GM, and has not yet participated in any training camp activities; he’ll also be sitting on the couch during the pre-season. With that, a spot remains open on Anaheim’s roster. Chances are that we will see one of the youngsters take it, but if Barstool Bob continues his search, I figured I’d help do my part. I’ve written this ad to place into the Pennysaver’s “help wanted” section. Maybe one of you out there can step up and slot in! 

Do you have what it takes? If so, then read ahead:

Help Wanted: A New Nick Ritchie

Anaheim Ducks Hockey Club looking to hire a new semi-professional not so much experienced hockey player to fill a position as 3rd-line (but should really be 4th line) left winger. 

Requirements: Must be no shorter than 6’ 2”, 230 lbs. with ABSOLUTE GRIT. Ability to take stupid penalties while being in the offensive zone and having fans wonder why you’re not spending more time in the AHL IS A-MUST! 

Education Level: farm smart with a 3rd grade reading level. Sorry, Pat Maroon’s need not apply.

Contact: Facsimile resume to 1-800-IAM-JOBB to apply.

Go Ducks!

Writers Note: This will be my last post contributing to Battle of California for the time being. Wanted to be a sap by thanking Ryan Dunn & the BoC crew for posting my stupid trash. Big thanks for Jer who wanted to be lazy and allow me to contribute in the first place - honored to pick up your slack. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

BREAKING: Ducks Arm-Chair GM Arrested!

As we draw closer to the start of what will likely be another Randy Carlyle Ducks season of hockey, 
the excitement in the air is palpable (tastes like disappointment with an essence of dump & chase).

Over the summer, the Anaheim Ducks made blockbuster moves with signing elite talents such as 
Luke Schenn, Andrej Sustr, Carter Rowney, and Brian Gibbons - just to name a few. Anaheim also 
locked up contracts for number one Vezina award snubbed goaltender, John Gibson, as well as 
forward Adam Henrique and young, disgustingly good looking defenseman, 
Brandon “The Body” Montour. All Anaheim faithful would rejoice to see 
Kevin “I Need A Nap From Turning The Puck Over Whilst Screening My Goaltender In Front Of 
His Crease So I’ll Just Lay Face Down Right Here” Bieksa and Antoine “I’m Only Good For Face-Offs,
I Guess” Vermette pack their bags and move on. At the sad and unfortunate same time, Elite 
Number One Center Derek Grant would move off to Pittsburgh with Our Lord & Savior, 
Jared Rittenhouse Boll, officially retiring. The Ducks are set to get things going once again.

With all the excitement and anticipation of seeing said elite talent coming over to call the Pond 
their home, some fans were just not satisfied...

My sources have recently informed me that a crime took place during the very busy Anaheim 
Ducks summer where an angry Arm-Chair GM whose name has been reported as Mob Burray, 
broke into the Honda Center and into GM Bob Murray’s office in hopes of altering the roster to 
their liking; this crime has gone under the radar for confidential purposes. Mob Burray was found 
spinning in Bob Murray’s chair while calling other NHL teams GMs in the middle of the night where 
he was said to attempt trades such as Erik Karlsson for the entire Anaheim roster, John Tavares 
for a $5 In-N-Out gift card, Alex Ovechkin for a half-chewed stick of gum, and Eric Lindros 
for “funzies”.
I’ve obtained the Anaheim PD transcript of Burray’s interrogation where they asked him why he 
chose to do such a stupid thing:

[begin transcript]

Officer 1: “So Mob, why would you do such a stupid thing?”

Burray: “Because Bob Murray never does anything that I want him to do! He just sleeps during 
the draft, Free Agent Day, and at Trade Deadline! And I’m sick of it!”

Officer 2: “Really? Ducks just signed Adam Henrique to a 5-year deal with an AAV of $5.825M.”

Burray: “But he didn’t get Tavares! Erik Karlsson is still out there! Why not go for Jamie Benn or 
Ovechkin?? Ovi just won a Cup! We need all those guys!!”

Officer 2: “Benn has a No-Move-wait...what?”

Burray: “I know more than that hack, Bob Murray! I’ve done it on NHL 2017 GM Mode!”

Officer 1: “Did you have the ‘rookie’ settings on?”

Burray: “Maybe! Look, I just don’t understand why the Ducks can’t have all the best players! 
We would win Cups all the time!”

Officer 1: “Anaheim only has $6M projected in cap space.”

Burray: “Cap Space?”

Officers 1&2: “*facepalm*”

[end transcript]

No charges were made against Burray due to the club being utterly embarrassed for the person. 
Welcome back, hockey fans.

Go Ducks!