Tuesday, September 27, 2016

It's happening again...

[RC informs the troops that their up & coming season will probably be crummy. Photo by me]
Good news, everyone! Not only is this my first post on OotP for the new season, those lovely cats over at BoC will also be posting this on their site! A highly questionable decision, of course!

The sun sets at a earlier time, all the brats go back to school, the leaves start to change color and the weather starts to get a chill (unless you're in Southern California where it appears to get hotter and hotter with no end in sight), and yes, all the NHL/AHL players return from their fancy summer homes in which they flock to during the offseason save for the ones who play in an "international" tournament fabricated by the NHL to sell ugly ass jerseys. 

It's time to prepare for the NHL regular season.

All 30 teams have begun their training camps, this past weekend, the Anaheim Ducks began theirs. I was able to attend a couple of practices, and let me tell you, the air in the room was definitely different this time around. Things have changed a lot since we've last seen the group of players who disappointed so many of it's fans when they were dispatched in 7 games by the Nashville Predators - an all too familiar let down which is now a regular thing. So with that, GMBM decided to fire then head coach Bruce Boudreau in place of running back to his ol' ex-lover, Randy Fucking Carlyle. My description of how things felt at Anaheim Ice can be best described in one word: uncertainty. 

Long gone are players such as Freddie Andersen, David Perron, Chris Stewart, and Jamie McGinn. New faces such as Antoine Vermette, Jonathan Bernier, Mason Raymond, and future hockey Hall of Famer/NHL superstar Jared Boll will be wearing an Anaheim jersey. Hence, the uncertain feeling. Nevertheless, I took it upon myself to jot down some notes of the things that really stood out to me during the practices that I attended as we get ready for the first game of the pre-season, which will be tonight against the Yotes. I'm sure these notes will be rather informative:

Ducks training camp crap
(Groups 1&2)

  • The donuts from The Donut Man are tasty! So is my coffee from Ink + Bean!
  • Time to start: D-zone breakout drill (RCs head still looks like the bottom of a decomposing eggplant)
  • RC loves to yell
  • Dannis - no shot at making the team
  • We gonna trade Fowler or what??
  • This years ever so motivating motto: "'Good enough is the death of greatness'"... No, I'm not joking.
  • Group 1 w/ Fowler, Stoner, Julis, PTOs(who won't be here come start of the season), Montour
  • Mayray/Vermette: some of the new dudes
  • Dump n Chase. That's new, right?
  • Jared Boll: our lord and savior
  • World Cup of Ugly Ass Jerseys players not here
  • Cogs and Boll on the same line for past couple of practices - welcome to the 4th line, Corgs! But let's be honest, it's RC so it will be the 1st line.
  • Carlyle is all about the D, and nothing else but the D
  • Man, I could use a nap right about now
  • Bernier has some of the weakest calves that I've ever seen. Wear pants, dude.
  • Skating in circles for 15 mins = hard nips cause it's cold
  • It's over. I need beer.

Go Ducks!


Monday, April 25, 2016

Hey Assholes, Just Shut Up and Win Game 6!

[Photo by V. Decolongon]

Go Ducks!

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Anaheim Ducks: "We've Got 'Em Right Where We Want 'Em!"

Nashville Predator fans rejoice after their team go 2-0 in the round one...by jumping in pools of their own poo.

Giving Jer over at Battle of California some much needed time off to lounge around in his morning robe, watch cartoons, and eat cereal out of a giant mixing bowl with a wooden spoon; I've taken the opportunity to guest post during the first round of this years Stanley Cup playoffs. Breathe it in, people!

There's nothing more disheartening then seeing what a complete failure your team is after they've made you feel that they were going to win a series from a 2-0 start on the road during the NHL playoffs...

And that's what the Anaheim Ducks are doing to the Nashville Predators. Yes, Ducks fans, have no fear because as what the rap kids say these days, "we've got 'em right where we want 'em"!

Anaheim are now the road team in this first round of the post season against the Predators after dropping games one & two in the most sacrificial, nay, charitable way possible. Charitable because giving Preds fans hope is the best way to draw their attention from the fact that Nashville is nothing but a shitty and terrible place. From their out of control meth epidemic to slack jawed yokels named "Cletus", Nashville is riddled with bare footed people who have had to learned to live without wearing shoes due to their near extinction in Tennessee, yet denim overalls are aplenty inside the many Walmart stores that are located on every neighborhood street corner - hence the cities unofficial nickname that residents lovingly call: "Trashville". 

Unfortunately, the dream will soon be crushed for fans of the Predators, and back to harsh reality, they'll go. To dueling banjos on disgustingly hot & humid summer nights while underage nannies will be forced to hide from the likes of Mike Riberio, the residents of Trashville will shed a tear as they look back and say that they had it good for two games.

Go Ducks!


Sloppy drunk from having too much of her grandpappy's homemade white lightning, Carrie Underwood is ejected from the building after throwing a dead raccoon out onto the ice to give her husband, Mike Underwood, a mid-game snack.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Freeway Face-Off = A Brief Lesson...

[Doughty: "Hey Quicky, warden says that if we win tonight. we can use our goats for conjugal visits!!' Photo by K. Lee]

Today, Anaheim will take on the Los Angeles Convicts Kings at the Honda Center for their first regular season match of the year. Being that it's LA, I thought that it was necessary for a brief rundown of something that was introduced to the prison system a little over 100 years ago. Enjoy the lesson since we will be seeing it in use tonight...

Work Release Program

(Per Wikipedia)

"In prison systems, work release programs allow a prisoner who is sufficiently trusted or can be sufficiently monitored to leave confinement to continue working at their current place of employment, returning to prison when their shift is complete. The concept was introduced in Wisconsin in 1913 under a law written by state senator Henry Huber. The program is often referred to locally as the 'Huber Law' program."

Ducks v Convicts @ 18:00

Go Ducks!

PS: As many of you know, Anaheim were involved in a very early trade yesterday morning which sent Carl "Swagelin" Hagelin to the Pittsburg Penguins for LW David Perron and defenseman Adam Clendening. Bummer being that Swags was starting to finally find his game. All the best, Cooooral. Gonna miss that flow.


Definite high levels of annoyance due to the "Go Kings Go" chants that will ring throughout the Honda Center.

Friday, January 15, 2016

An open letter to Jamie Benn...

[Perry: "So Jamie, Tyler's your private pool boy, eh? He for hire??" Benn: "Yeah!!!" Photo by P. Noble]
It's happened again! Either the people over at Battle of California like me or Jer lost a bet and asked me to guest post once more. Just like the last, my post for BoC will be today's OOTP. So soak it up, darlings!

Dear Mr. Benn,

First, I'd like to start off by saying that although I am a Ducks fan, I am also a fan of you because I recognize the talent that you possess out on the ice. Sure, some might say that I have a raging man-crush going on here, and you know what? I have no problem in admitting that I do. Ok, we've got that out there - the ice is broken. With all that being said, I wanted to ask, nay, I wanted to beg you for this one simple thing:

Please please please will you come and play for the Anaheim Ducks? Pretty please?

As you may know, so far the Ducks haven't had their best season, and the team are struggling for offense. I've seen what you can do when playing along side Gezlaf and Perry: you three have done damage on a line together during international play such as the Winter Olympics. Hell! Even I'm not the only one who knows what a perfect fit you are with the Twins! Pierre LeBrun mentioned it in a piece just this past September when previewing Anaheim's upcoming season. Not only do I feel that you will find success in playing here, you will no longer have to live in that God awful "Home of George W. Bush" aka Texas! You also won't have to deal with that annoying #Bang moron and his terrible taste in crappy 80's blazers. If you're a fan of Austin, then hey! We have the hipsterest of all hipsters in Silverlake and Echo Park! And if the whole conservative-republican Texan thing is your deal, well, you'll feel right at home in Orange County! It will be a win-win situation for all of us. Look, it's obvious you belong here, because I'm pretty sure Getzy's no-look back passes are intended for you and you only.

So please, I beg you, come to Anaheim. What's that? "Not without Tyler", you ask? Ok, then, bring him along. I'm sure he'll be happy here because In-N-Out is a plenty in California, but you'll have to re-consider your whole "not going down on women" policy. I mean really, man, give a little.

I want to thank you for taking time in reading this letter, and I look forward to seeing you in that Ducks sweater.

I love you,


Go Ducks!


Mr. Benn respectfully declines leading me to purchase duct tape, a book on how to brainwash, a computer with NHL GCL to play Ducks games, eye drops, and a bottle of chloroform.

Inspirational Music:

In the spirit of begging JB to move to California, this song was the first thing that popped into my head. It's fitting, I think.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Hello? .500? Are you there?

[Flames do their best LA Kings "prison yard" impersonation by attempting to jump Kesler. Photo by G. Thomas]


In 35 games, that is where the Anaheim Ducks currently sit as they have yet to become a .500 hockey club in what has easily become the worst season so far since Bruce Boudreau replaced Randy Carlyle as their head coach.

Recent wins against the Philadelphia Flyers (4-2) and Calgary Flames (1-0) since the jolly holiday break have inched the team closer to hitting that even mark, and although a two-game win streak is nice, I'll wait a bit until I hold my breath. So far, the only thing the Ducks have made their fans certain of is their ability to be inconsistent. While they'll look as if steps forward are being taken, they haven't failed us into taking bigger steps back, and after their current two-win streak, some have reported that Anaheim are on the "verge of becoming NHL's most dangerous team". That's a cute thought, but for me, "on verge" isn't good enough until they can string more than 4 wins together and start playing above .500 hockey. 

Tonight, they'll have their chance when they play the Edmonton Oilers and continue their shot tomorrow against the Vancouver Canucks. They've had the pieces all season to do it, but unfortunately, they always prove to fall short when a big opportunity has been at their skates. Every ounce of faith that they can do it is there, but the real question is:

"Will they?"

We will see.

Go Ducks!

Friday, December 11, 2015

'Tis the season...

[Fowler: "Hey Corey, when was the last time we had a win streak this season?" Perry: "Ehh..." Photo by D. Robinson]

People! I've hit the big-time (if you wanna call it that)! Today, I make my debut for the beloved Battle of California! I'd like to share the post here on today's OOTP. So, if you love redundancy, you can read it on two separate sites! Merry Christmas, everyone! 

The holidays are a time for remembrance: the birth of baby Jesus, Pearl Harbor, Protestants accepting provisions from the native Americans prior to killing them...a joyous time, indeed! With the season upon us, I'd like to take time and remember another special event, "the last time the Anaheim Ducks had a winning streak". With the terrible start of this season followed by the inconsistency of the Ducks' final results game to game, the streak shall definitely live in infamy. Let us gaze back and remember what a wonderful/brief time it was. 

The four-game win streak would begin on November 1st against the child predator himself (Mike Ribiero) and his team from Nashville. Wins against the Florida Panthers, Columbus Blue Jackets, and Anaheim's foes from that hella crap town in the north (San Jose) would be a part of the streak. That is until finally ending on November 9 against the Arizona Coyotes in dramatic fashion where Ducks Cap'n Ryan Getzlaf decided to help out the Yotes winning in OT by displaying an amazing no-look pass behind him through his legs to opposing, yes, opposing Mikkel Boedker who then won the game on a breakaway goal. No amount of booze can erase that memory, I've tried. 

We bring ourselves back from the distant past and into the present where Anaheim are currently sitting on a lengthy two-game winning streak, and tonight, they'll look to extend it to three-games when the almost equally abysmal Carolina Hurricanes come into town. Tonight's game will also end Anaheim's six-game in 3 weeks homestand where the Ducks are currently 3-1-1. Can the Ducks extend the streak and continue to climb in a weak Pacific division? With tonight's match being the only game in 10 days, I hope so. If not, my liver is really going hate me.

Go Ducks!


A storm possibly brews in my stomach after filling it with In-N-Out and lots of beer*

*amount of beer depends on how well/crummy the game is

Inspirational Music:

With the folly of this season's Anaheim Ducks record, I give you one of the dumbest Christmas songs I have ever stumbled upon: