Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Stanley Cup Playoffs Round 2 Preview


Ducks v Oilers: Great, another fucking team from Alberta. Thanks, San Jose.

With the Ducks making hasty work by sweeping those Perverts from Calgary, they prepare for Round 2 where they'll match up against...ugh...another team from that wasteland, aka Alberta, the Deadmonton Oilers. 

The Oilers have found themselves in the second round by sending the San Jose Shorks back to their choking ways after dispatching them in 6 games. Tonight, Anaheim and Deadmonton start their series. Hashtags - Paint It Orange and the Orange Crush will clash in what I am now calling, "The Eyesore Series" because of all the damn orange which will take place.

We can all agree that this isn't your typical Oilers team who were the norm in the draft lottery after consistently letting their supporters down for about 300 straight years. Now, they have proven their doubters wrong by being an offense danger with that one dude, Connor McNugget, whose unreal talent is gained from a combination of Devil's Dandruff, good ol' crack, and Angel Dust. Suffice it to say, it won't be that easy for Anaheim. With that, here are a few keys for the Ducks to be successful against these assholes from that Alberta shit hole: 

Connor McMuffin: Ryan Kesler will have the task of shutting down the Oilers star crackhead and captain. They also will succeed if they find a way to stop his pusher from supplying him with his sweet-sweet drugs.

Zack Kassian: During game play, inform him that Ted Nugent wants to meet him, and fake a dinner invitation. Being the dim-witted, redneck moron that he totally is, he'll be so excited that he won't think of anything else.

Cam Talbot: Blackmail him with the fact that we know his true identity as the singer of Maroon 5. Come on, Adam Lev-I mean-Cam, you're not fooling anyone...

Patrick Maroon: Easy. Just engage him in a spelling contest.

Should be a fun one!

Go Ducks!


Prediction: I'll hold another bake sale and possibly a car wash to raise funds so that I can pay the refs to not give any power play chances to the Ducks AT ALL during this second round. Worked last round! Also, Maroon clogs every toilet in the visitors dressing room.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Stanley Cup Playoffs Series Preview

[Gaudreau: "Sean! Why the black bar??" Monahan: "I'll tell you when you're 14." photo: R. Graessle/Icon Sportswire]

Round 1 - Ducks v Calgary: Let's Get Perverty!

WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT! READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

Ok, got that out of the way. With Anaheim clinching the Pacific Division title for the "fif" consecutive time (...yay...), they will face off against the second wild card team in the Western Conference on Thursday night at the Honda Center. 

Now, before I go any further, I'd like to thank my dear friend Tara who pointed this out to me a couple of years ago. Because of her, my eyes were opened and I can no longer unsee what I will show you.

As I disclaimed at the beginning of this post, the content will be explicit, and the reason is because the team that the Ducks will take on in the first round are none other than those disgustingly-despicable perverts from Calgary who, for all these years, have deceived the world by disguising their logo with the letter C when in fact they're actually using a phallic symbol engulfed in flames. Allow me to show you the shocking proof which I've highlighted:


The evidence is appallingly clear, and their use of an immature penis logo is downright distasteful. Flames owner, Nasty Murray Edwards, should be ashamed of himself! Especially with the troubling fact that the these pervs from Calgary employ 11 year old star forward, Johnny Gaudreau. Absolutely classless. But hey, what do you expect from a club that's captained by Dustin Brown's School of Making Dirty Knee-On-Knee Hits Look Like Accidents alumni Mark Giordano?

Either way, this out to be an interestingly-sinful first round.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Those in attendance during the first round are given hazmat suits to prevent contracting any terrible flaming Calgarian diseases while parents cover the eyes of their children for at least 60 minutes of gameplay.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Ducks Gameday: Post season, here we come!...sorry, LA.

"Golf Kings, Golf!"

The end is finally here! 

The Anaheim Ducks play hosts to those a-holes from LA in the last game of the regular season before the "Second Season" begins...except for the Kings, but that doesn't mean they won't try to play spoilers with Anaheim just 1-point away from surprisingly and unexpectedly clinching the Pacific Division title for the fifth consecutive season. Meanwhile, the Kings will get an early start to teeing off for the next 6 months. But where did it all go wrong? LA is always considered to be Cup contenders since 2012 and in the last three seasons, they've only managed to win one playoff game. Let's take a quick jaunt down the sinking ship of season for our rivals just north up the I-5.

It started with the tragic removal of captaincy to the biggest douche noodle who has ever worn the letter, Dustin "Whoops! Those Were Your Knees??" Brown. It seemed as though his constant applying of wet-willies and non-stop team bench crop dusting was just too much forcing GM Lombardi to give Frankenstein looking enthusiast, Anze Kopitar, a promotion which help the new Cap'n reach a careers best recording an awe-inspiring 12G/40A for this season. Los Angeles' herculean march to the putting green was assisted when Jonathan Quick manage to temper tantrum his way to a groin injury which sidelined him for 4 1/2 months. Peter Budaj was called upon to fill the #1 goaltending void, and held his own so well that he was rewarded by being traded to Tampa Bay for a struggling Ben Bishop. The Kings also decided to throw their hat in the Geriatrics ring by picking up Metamucil advocate, Jerome Iginla, in hopes of pulling the team into actual playoff contention! Fortunately, the ship had already sprung leaks and was taking on water. 

And so, here we are today. Anaheim and Los Angeles in the final game of the season. The Ducks control their fate as to who they will match up with in the first round which will either be San Jose or those perverts from Calgary. The Kings won't make it easy before they enjoy their summer of trying to get their balls out of sand traps, but hey, offseason doesn't matter, right? 

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Immense eye rolling from oh-so clever comments such as: "2 > 1", "you'll be out in the 1st round", "...game 7" by Kings fans in attendance while their "Go Kings, Go" chants slowly turn into shouts of "Fore!"

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Ducks Gameday: Quick/Trump 2016

[original photos by Getty Images]

With Cory Rosas still enjoying the sunshine on his shoulders while getting Rocky Mountain high, I'm ruining his chairs butt groove over at BoC. It'll definitely be warm when he gets it back.

The 2016/2017 NHL regular season is well underway by just hitting the ten-game mark, and Ducks/Kings fans are about to get a taste of blood being that tonight will be the first game of Southern California's "Freeway Series". With both teams and fan bases prepping for what will definitely be an intense game, it is without a doubt a very special one because as you all know, it's just one week before what could be the apocalypse. Yes, the 2016 Presidential Election is upon us - the end of this nation is possibly nigh. 

With that, I cannot help but notice a stark similarity between Republican Presidential nominee, Donald Trump, and Los Angeles Kings netminder, Jonathan Quick. It's known that both have been very successful in their roles - Trump has made tons o' money, and Quick is known to be one of the top goal tenders in hockey with helping his team in winning the Stanley Cup twice. But those aren't the similarities that I'm talking about, it's undeniable that the biggest trait the two share is their ability to be the biggest man-babies the world has come to know.

Trump has already demonstrated the quality of his character in the public eye over, and over again in flawless fashion. Well, so has Quick by throwing the biggest hissy-fits out on the ice when an opposing player either touches him, skates too close to him in his crease, or just plainly asks how his day is going - his actions rival those of a two-year old spoiled brat whose parents just took away his iPhone 7 Plus because it was bed time. Quick even managed to find himself on injured reserve when he received a lower-body injury by throwing a tantrum during the first period of the Kings opening game of the season in San Jose when Sharks cap'n, Joe Pavelski, asked if Quick had a lovely summer right after Sharks native human-beaver mutant, Logan Couture, had scored. Little Boy Quick was not happy at all.

[video courtesy of NHL/NBCSports/Sportsnet Canada]

No matter how you look at it, it's annoyingly astonishing how both Trump and Quick have an uncanny resemblance in their skills as being the biggest babies in this country, if not the planet. Maybe Pence should step aside so that Jonathan Quick can be Trumps running-mate for this years election. They can change the slogan of, "Make America Great Again" to plainly this:

"Make America Tantrum Again"

Go Ducks!

Prediction: We enjoy the last Freeway Face-Off game prior to the world ending next week.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Screw you, Rock n Roll Hall of Fame

[Torts in disgust when he realizes that Hall & Oats are in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame]

While the beautiful and studly Cory Rosas is deepening his connection with the late John Denver out at Rocky Mountain National Park, I have been questionably called upon to fill in for the next couple of Ducks Gamedays at BoC. It feels like Christmas has come early

Tonight, the Ducks take on the visiting Blue Jackets, and I was going to write about how Columbus is a terrible, vile place, but I needed to write about something that I'm passionate about. Though it has nothing to do with hockey, it still irks me and it does have something to do with the state of Ohio (in Cleveland, to be exact). No, it's not about the Indians or the Cavaliers - I've got a bone to pick with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame because of this...

Why the hell haven't those assholes inducted the Cure?!

Seriously, they've inducted Green Day for fuck's sake, and the Cure are constantly snubbed! Robert Smith's catalog is extensive, and the band have released at least thirty records! Yes! 30! How the hell can you say no to the dude that wrote Standing On A Beach, Disintegration, Pornography...just to name a few?! And don't even get me started with Depeche Mode who are still waiting to be inducted as well, it's an atrocity. I'll just say this, get your shit together, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Oh, and in smaller news, the Ducks have finally re-signed Rakell and Lindholm. Ikea twin powers activate!

Go Ducks! and RIP Harambe...huh, I guess things do suck in Ohio.

Prediction: Torts has one of his typical melt-downs behind the bench, then storms off into the locker room where he puts on "Boys Don't Cry".

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Crap: the Ducks regular season starts today.

[RC: "'Chase & Dump and Dump & Chase', that's what we're gonna do!" photo by Jae C Hong]


The 2016/2017 NHL regular season began last night, and boy, was it exciting. Austin Matthews appeared to walk on water before leading his team to an overtime loss, the Oilers had a long ass ceremony showcasing their new arena, the Blackhawks were awesomely defeated by the Blues in Chicago, and Jonathan Quick tantrum'd himself to a lower-body injury. One thing is certain:

It's great to have hockey back!

Tonight, it will be game one of eighty-two for the Anaheim Ducks who once again start their season out on the road in Dallas against the Stars, and many pundits have predicted that it will be a very long season with the club barely squeezing themselves into a playoff spot if not missing the post-season altogether. The firing of Boudreau/hiring of Randy Carlyle, the immense head scratching acquisition of Jared Boll, and the shenanigans surrounding GMBM & Swedish Hold-Out Mafia (well, duo) have lead said pundits to assist in making their ill-fated predictions for Anaheim. For Ducks fans, a heavy cloud of uncertainty for this upcoming season can definitely be felt, and the tension is palpable. Now, I'm not one for predictions (because they're usually very wrong), but if you really want to know my feelings about how the Ducks will fare this season, I will gladly tell you with a simple query: 

Which is better: BevMo! or Total Wine?

Now, both supply a high amount of booze which anyone would be happy in choosing to stock up their fridge and/or liquor cabinet. BevMo! has a very good variety of hard hooch, however, I feel that Total Wine has a better selection of craft beer. Also, I have been very happy with the customer service that Total Wine gives, and they do have a walk-in cooler for self selected kegs, and they seem to showcase season releases more than their competitors. For me, the biggest advantage that Total Wine has over BevMo! is that there's one right across the street from where I work, and that's why I choose them over other places.

So, if you're wondering, "what the hell does this have to do with how you feel the Ducks will perform this season??" It's easy, these places (along with local OC breweries) will be getting a lot of my money either before, during, or after every single Ducks game to help me sadly cope with what could easily be a very, very long season. Liver, you best be ready.

Go Ducks!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

The Dustin Brown "Tragedy"

[Brown: "But didn't I do it all for the nookie?" Photo by unknown]

As the NHL pre-season continues, I am once again given the honor to contribute to Battle of California for today's Ducks matchup with the visiting LA Convicts Kings. Thanks again...suckas! 

He wore the 'C' for eight seasons with the Los Angeles Kings where he led them to two Stanley Cup championships (something that couldn't even happen with The Great One). Known for his physical play, not being brighter than a six year old, and having gigantic forehead; he thought he had it all. That was until his team's management decided to strip away his beloved captaincy before handing it off to Anze "Perma-Scarlet Fever Lookin'" Kopitar. 

Dustin Brown's world was falling apart. 

Many have speculated the reason behind the lost of captaincy for Brown has been because of the apparent decline in his production while still being paid a whopping $7MM in his annual NHL salary. But that's not it. A "source" has informed me that Dustin Brown simply let it all go to his overgrown head. A team mate of his (who has requested to remain anonymous) has come forward with the real reasons as to why Brown is no longer team captain.

"I don't know, man. He just started to become an even bigger douchebag than he normally is", stated his anonymous team mate who also claims that Brown spent endless hours in the team lounge shoving unbelievable amounts of Pizza Combos in his mouth whilst playing Call of Duty and breaking promises to let other team mates play by shouting, "I'm the captain! My console! My turn!" Claims also include drinking liters upon liters of Mountain Dew - Code Red, always choosing to play Limp Bizkit at high volume levels in the locker room, shooting spit wads into Drew Doughty's missing teeth gap, and constantly hazing the rookies. His anonymous team mate recalls, "I stopped carpooling with (Dustin) Brown after one too many times where he would lock his windows and turn on his heater before starting to rip the grossest milk-farts you can ever imagine. The stench was absolutely unbearable."

After throwing a 3-day tantrum, Brown finally came to terms with the change. Whether or not he has accepted it remains unseen. One thing's for certain: the upcoming season for the former captain will definitely be interesting.

-Go Ducks

PREDICTION: During a warm-up skate, Brown and Kopitar have a terrible knee-on-knee collision where Brown calmly states with a slight grin on his face, "it was an 'accident'."