Monday, April 30, 2018

There's Always Next (2019-2020) Year

[RC:"I'm still here, bitches!" Photo: Greg Beacham]

Wake me up when the next two September's end.

It's unfortunately true, Ducks fans. Anaheim's plan of seeing head coach Randy Carlyle get the boot by being swept in the first round did not pay off, and it was recently announced by General Manager Bob "What The Fuck Are You Playing At?" Murray, that RC would still remain coach for the next upcoming season. On the smaller bright side, the team also announced that defensive/penalty killing coach, Trent Yawney, would not come back.

During exit interviews with the media at the Honda Center, GMBM stated the team need to "play faster" and hopes that his chum Randy can dump & chase his players into doing exactly that with continuing to employ his system which is still stuck in 2007. Carlyle was heard off the record stating, "I can rally these stupid kids! The game is all about puck possession, and with the help of our slow & aging vets, we'll out dump & chase the opposition!" Carlyle was also heard saying that he plans to convince Bob Murray into signing Jared Boll to a 5-year extension with a No-Movement Clause. "These assholes on my bench need to learn that grit is the key. If they want to see some ice time, they'll need to prove that they belong on the top two lines!"

Of course, it's still way too early to predict the outcome of next year, but I'm pretty certain that it's going to be filled with 82 games of failed defensive zone exits by future Anaheim Ducks defenseman, Jack Johnson. Time to drink myself into a coma in hopes I don't come out of it until summer of 2019.

Go Ducks!

Thursday, April 19, 2018

The Mighty Martyrs of Anaheim

[Getzy: "Joe, I was thinking of YOU when I smooched Melker." Photo: Randy Vazquez/Bay Area News Group]

Boy, that was quick.

It’s been just over a day since Anaheim ended their post season after being swept by the "still stuck in the 90’s" San Jose Sharks - a series that only lasted less than a full week.

While many Ducks fans are still feeling the sting and are mourning the fact that being swept has not happened since 1999 after the Detroit Red Wings sent them packing in a haste, I for one am proud. Proud because the Ducks decided to do such a sacrificial act in hopes that their archaic system using head coach, Randy “Big Boy Hockey” Carlyle, will be fired for the 2nd time in this upcoming offseason.

My super secret undercover sources confirmed whispers of the team discussing throwing the series. “Alright fellas, we’re gonna dump & chase RC to the unemployment line!”, one player excitedly hushed. While next years potential 4th line players quickly low-fived each other with the idea of being able to play more than 4 minutes a game. The boys showed such dedication to their plan as it unfolded in dumpster fire glory with plays such as being offsides on purpose during a goal which was called back, waiting until the final moment of the second period to score just a millisecond after the buzzer had sounded off, Nick Ritchie being Nick Ritchie, and Corey Perry "attempting" to score by shooting directly at Sharks goaltender Martin Jones' pads.

It was all complete when San Jose forward and noted dirty player, Tomas Hertl, scored the game-winning goal just a little over 2 minutes after Andrew Cogliano had tied things up. A play which would come from an "accidental" turnover in Anaheim's defensive zone by Ducks captain, Ryan Getzlaf, who even managed to show his appreciation for the opponents by kissing Melker Karlsson during an intentional collision.

[Corey Perry watches on in jealousy as Getzlaf frenches Karlsson. Still via Reddit]
And now as we're removed from their heroic display in the first round, we Anaheim faithful will wait these next passing days for any announcement by Ducks general manager, "Barstool" Bob Murray, in hopes that he bought it all. Once again, I for one stand proud of my team who are not only hockey players but the bravest martyrs in this franchises history.

See you next season!

Go Ducks!

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Ducks v Sharks Playoffs Series Preview...In Pictures

[Bad ass classic cartoon by @earlsleek]

Round One. Ducks v Sharks: Hella California Hatred

It's finally here: the 2017/2018 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs! Somehow, and Anaheim managed to make it! Crazier yet, they took 2nd place in the Pacific (thank GOD! No Pacific Division Title).

Anaheim will match-up against the San Jose Sharks in what will be a repeat of the 2009 post-season first round which Anaheim took in 6 games. I figured I'd go ahead and pump out a sweet preview but you're all (the 2 of you) in for a treat! This year, I'll be doing a preview of key Sharks players that the Ducks will need to look out for!

So, sit back and enjoy this stupid shit!

[The adorable good-looking Captain]

Joe Pavelski

The Sharks captain (10th one in like 2 seasons) is as cute as they come with that dream-like smile who will fool you and can cause damage. A solid-sexy player. I couldn't find a photo of a hot Shark, so Ive opted to use a cute drawing of one

No, I don't have a man-crush on him. No.

[The hipster dman/former a homeless person]
Brent Burns

There's no other way to say, but this #1 high-caliber defenseman is as good as they come. Removed from living on the streets when San Jose made one of the most charitable moves, he no longer lives out of a box.

*Beard not photographed

[The ugly turned solid center whilst still being ugly Shark]
Logan Couture

Despite being one if the ugliest dudes I've ever seen and sustaining his fair share of injuries these past few seasons, this Sharks alternate captain has proven that nothing will keep him down, and he's good. He has the ability to paralyze you with his train-wreck looks before putting one in the back of the net. Ducks goaltender, John Gibson, will need all that it takes to divert his eyes if Couture gets a breakaway.

[The skinny-as-hell-but-good goalie]
Martin Jones

This Stanley Cup champion who hoisted a Cup when he was changing LA Kings goaltender Jonathan Quicks diapers in 2014 took the Sharks to the finals the following year where they lost to the Pittsburg Penguins. Will he have what it takes this season? We shall find out. For now, someone give the kid a sandwich.

[The old injured veteran]
Joe Thornton

The Sharks will start their playoff campaign without their grizzled ol' veteran who hasn't played since late january due to an MCL injury. He has been skating with the team as of late, and may even join them this round. If he does, the Ducks will have the chance to throw popcorn and spit wads at his big bushy beard.

I know that there are other key players to the Sharks lineup, but I don't feel like including them. What I do know is that this should be an exciting series. I'm just glad Anaheim won't have to see those inbred bastards from Nashville until the WCF.

Game one starts tonight at 7:30. You can see it on your national NBC network channels such as the DYI network/Golf Channel or some dumb crap like that.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: No rad on-ice image projection yet again from Anaheim at the Honda Center. Instead, some boring-ass production that involves someone playing Bro-Hymn on a kazoo.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Is this thing still on?

[Getzy: "Yeah, boys! We're in! And we couldn't have done so without Derek Grant!" Photo by D. Robinson/NHLI]
Well then, here we are. 

It's the last game of the 2017-2018 NHL regular season, and if you would have told me two months ago that Anaheim would be in the playoffs, I would've requested that you take a drug test expecting positive results for every dirty hardcore narcotic out on the streets. Surprisingly enough (and for the 6th consecutive time), the Anaheim Ducks have clinched a spot into the post season. 

Throughout the regular season, Anaheim faced a lot of adversity with having the majority of their roster hurt and/or pretty much dead, but they held on and battled through. Thanks to players such as John Gibson, Ondrej Kase, Rickard Rakell, Josh Manson, Derek Grant, and Ryan Getzlaf, they found a way to be where they currently are. Ducks would get a great addition in Adam Henrique, who immediately made an impact. 

With majority of the teams set for post season action, the Ducks will end their regular season on the road tonight in AZ after defeating the Dallas Stars for their final home game just last night with a decisive victory of 5-2. A win against the consistent bottom feeding Coyotes will help in determining who Anaheim will match up against in round 1. Thankfully, it won't be against those Carrie Underwood loving, meth-heads in Nashville. 

Go Ducks!

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Well shit, hockey's back...

[Me too, possibly super drunk Corey Perry. Me too.]

It's the most manic depressing time of the year: the NHL 2017/2018 regular season

Get ready for 82 games filled with highest-highs and lowest-low. Tonight, Anaheim will start theirs off with what will most likely be a loss (if you know the Ducks history of their outcome with season openers) to those location confused twerps from Phoenix/Glendale/Arizona.

I wanna take this time to issue a heartfelt apology to my liver which will be soaked in booze...hopefully until June.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Continuous disappointment ensues with Anaheim's lack of digital 3D image mapping on the ice. C'mon Ducks, even those shitty Avalanche folks in Denver do it!

Friday, May 12, 2017

Western Conference Finals Preview

[Jeb trashes his brother, Billy Bob's, home! Photo: John Russell/Getty Images] 

WCF Ducks v Preds: Let's Do This!

As they say, "the 'fif' time's the charm"! The Anaheim Ducks are on their way to the Western Conference Finals for the 2nd time in 2 years after breaking the "Game 7 Curse" and defeating the Deadmonton Oilers in Round 2! The one thing I took from these past couple of rounds is the assumption that in order to be a resident of Alberta, one must vow to think that the NHL is rigged, and one must always blame the refs. Either way, suck it, Oilers!

The focus now shifts to the conference finals match-up with Game 1 starting tonight in Anaheim, which will be a repeat of last years first round, and the second leg of what I have previously dubbed, "The Eyesore Series". The opponent: the Trashville Predators. Paint It Orange versus whatever the fuck those hicks call using their piss-yellow jerseys and stupid chants accompanied with banjos. 

Anaheim have exorcised their one big demon, and now, they'll have a chance to do it again against the team who have bested them in two prior post season matchups. The two teams have a similar style of play, and it will be the hardest test for Anaheim yet. Should be long as I don't have the sound on when they're playing in Trashville.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Preds fans get the chance to smash up a car in front of Bridgestone Arena which ends up being one of those poor bastard's home.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Stanley Cup Playoffs Round 2 Preview

[McBiscuit: "Dammit, Leon! Did you ask Big Dumb to spell 'cat' again?! Look at his face! You broke him!" photo: R. Carr/Getty Images]

Ducks v Oilers: Great, another fucking team from Alberta. Thanks, San Jose.

With the Ducks making hasty work by sweeping those Perverts from Calgary, they prepare for the second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs where they'll match up against...ugh...another team from that wasteland, aka Alberta, the Deadmonton Oilers. 

The Oilers have found themselves moving on to round 2 by sending the San Jose Shorks back to their choking ways after dispatching them in 6 games. Tonight, Anaheim and Deadmonton start their series. Hashtags - "Paint It Orange" and the "Orange Crush" will clash in what I am now calling, "The Eyesore Series" because of all the damn orange which will take place on both sides.

We can all agree that this isn't your typical Oilers team who were the norm in the draft lottery after consistently letting their supporters down for about 300 straight years. Now, they have proven their doubters wrong by being an offense danger with that one dude, Connor McNugget, whose unreal talent is, what I can guess, gained from a combination of Devil's Dandruff, good ol' crack, and Angel Dust. Suffice it to say, it won't be that easy for Anaheim. With that, here are a few keys for the Ducks to be successful against these assholes from that Alberta shit hole: 

Connor McMuffin: Ryan Kesler will have the task of shutting down the Oilers star crackhead and captain. They'll also succeed if they find a way to stop his pusher from supplying him with his sweet-sweet drugs.

Zack Kassian: During game play, inform him that Ted Nugent wants to meet him, and fake a dinner invitation. Being the dim-witted, redneck moron that he totally is, he'll be so excited that he won't think of anything else.

Cam Talbot: Blackmail him with the fact that we know his true identity as the singer of Maroon 5. Come on, Adam Lev-I mean-Cam, you're not fooling anyone...

Patrick Maroon: Easy. Just engage him in a spelling contest.

Should be a fun one!

Go Ducks!

Prediction: I'll hold another bake sale and possibly a car wash to raise funds so that I can pay the refs to not give any power play chances to the Ducks AT ALL during this second round. Worked last round! Also, Maroon clogs every toilet in the visitors dressing room.