Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Left-Winger For Hire


Anaheim's Next Top 3RD (4TH) Line Winger!

With the NHL pre-season underway, the Ducks are poised to make their mark going into the start of the regular season with a whole new game plan of using younger/faster players. I know, I know...it’s about damn time. Unfortunately, GM Bob Murray hopes that archaic system master himself, Randy Carlyle, can implement a modern day system. Oh, this otta be good. 

Meanwhile, one player still remains to be re-signed: Nick Ritchie. The baby-faced left winger whose eyes are way too close together is a hold-out after being unsatisfied with contract offers from the Anaheim club’s GM, and has not yet participated in any training camp activities; he’ll also be sitting on the couch during the pre-season. With that, a spot remains open on Anaheim’s roster. Chances are that we will see one of the youngsters take it, but if Barstool Bob continues his search, I figured I’d help do my part. I’ve written this ad to place into the Pennysaver’s “help wanted” section. Maybe one of you out there can step up and slot in! 

Do you have what it takes? If so, then read ahead:

Help Wanted: A New Nick Ritchie

Anaheim Ducks Hockey Club looking to hire a new semi-professional not so much experienced hockey player to fill a position as 3rd-line (but should really be 4th line) left winger. 

Requirements: Must be no shorter than 6’ 2”, 230 lbs. with ABSOLUTE GRIT. Ability to take stupid penalties while being in the offensive zone and having fans wonder why you’re not spending more time in the AHL IS A-MUST! 

Education Level: farm smart with a 3rd grade reading level. Sorry, Pat Maroon’s need not apply.

Contact: Facsimile resume to 1-800-IAM-JOBB to apply.

Go Ducks!

Writers Note: This will be my last post contributing to Battle of California for the time being. Wanted to be a sap by thanking Ryan Dunn & the BoC crew for posting my stupid trash. Big thanks for Jer who wanted to be lazy and allow me to contribute in the first place - honored to pick up your slack. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

BREAKING: Ducks Arm-Chair GM Arrested!


As we draw closer to the start of what will likely be another Randy Carlyle Ducks season of hockey, 
the excitement in the air is palpable (tastes like disappointment with an essence of dump & chase).

Over the summer, the Anaheim Ducks made blockbuster moves with signing elite talents such as 
Luke Schenn, Andrej Sustr, Carter Rowney, and Brian Gibbons - just to name a few. Anaheim also 
locked up contracts for number one Vezina award snubbed goaltender, John Gibson, as well as 
forward Adam Henrique and young, disgustingly good looking defenseman, 
Brandon “The Body” Montour. All Anaheim faithful would rejoice to see 
Kevin “I Need A Nap From Turning The Puck Over Whilst Screening My Goaltender In Front Of 
His Crease So I’ll Just Lay Face Down Right Here” Bieksa and Antoine “I’m Only Good For Face-Offs,
I Guess” Vermette pack their bags and move on. At the sad and unfortunate same time, Elite 
Number One Center Derek Grant would move off to Pittsburgh with Our Lord & Savior, 
Jared Rittenhouse Boll, officially retiring. The Ducks are set to get things going once again.

With all the excitement and anticipation of seeing said elite talent coming over to call the Pond 
their home, some fans were just not satisfied...

My sources have recently informed me that a crime took place during the very busy Anaheim 
Ducks summer where an angry Arm-Chair GM whose name has been reported as Mob Burray, 
broke into the Honda Center and into GM Bob Murray’s office in hopes of altering the roster to 
their liking; this crime has gone under the radar for confidential purposes. Mob Burray was found 
spinning in Bob Murray’s chair while calling other NHL teams GMs in the middle of the night where 
he was said to attempt trades such as Erik Karlsson for the entire Anaheim roster, John Tavares 
for a $5 In-N-Out gift card, Alex Ovechkin for a half-chewed stick of gum, and Eric Lindros 
for “funzies”.
I’ve obtained the Anaheim PD transcript of Burray’s interrogation where they asked him why he 
chose to do such a stupid thing:

[begin transcript]

Officer 1: “So Mob, why would you do such a stupid thing?”

Burray: “Because Bob Murray never does anything that I want him to do! He just sleeps during 
the draft, Free Agent Day, and at Trade Deadline! And I’m sick of it!”

Officer 2: “Really? Ducks just signed Adam Henrique to a 5-year deal with an AAV of $5.825M.”

Burray: “But he didn’t get Tavares! Erik Karlsson is still out there! Why not go for Jamie Benn or 
Ovechkin?? Ovi just won a Cup! We need all those guys!!”

Officer 2: “Benn has a No-Move-wait...what?”

Burray: “I know more than that hack, Bob Murray! I’ve done it on NHL 2017 GM Mode!”

Officer 1: “Did you have the ‘rookie’ settings on?”

Burray: “Maybe! Look, I just don’t understand why the Ducks can’t have all the best players! 
We would win Cups all the time!”

Officer 1: “Anaheim only has $6M projected in cap space.”

Burray: “Cap Space?”

Officers 1&2: “*facepalm*”

[end transcript]

No charges were made against Burray due to the club being utterly embarrassed for the person. 
Welcome back, hockey fans.

Go Ducks!

Monday, April 30, 2018

There's Always Next (2019-2020) Year

[RC:"I'm still here, bitches!" Photo: Greg Beacham]

Wake me up when the next two September's end.

It's unfortunately true, Ducks fans. Anaheim's plan of seeing head coach Randy Carlyle get the boot by being swept in the first round did not pay off, and it was recently announced by General Manager Bob "What The Fuck Are You Playing At?" Murray, that RC would still remain coach for the next upcoming season. On the smaller bright side, the team also announced that defensive/penalty killing coach, Trent Yawney, would not come back.

During exit interviews with the media at the Honda Center, GMBM stated the team need to "play faster" and hopes that his chum Randy can dump & chase his players into doing exactly that with continuing to employ his system which is still stuck in 2007. Carlyle was heard off the record stating, "I can rally these stupid kids! The game is all about puck possession, and with the help of our slow & aging vets, we'll out dump & chase the opposition!" Carlyle was also heard saying that he plans to convince Bob Murray into signing Jared Boll to a 5-year extension with a No-Movement Clause. "These assholes on my bench need to learn that grit is the key. If they want to see some ice time, they'll need to prove that they belong on the top two lines!"

Of course, it's still way too early to predict the outcome of next year, but I'm pretty certain that it's going to be filled with 82 games of failed defensive zone exits by future Anaheim Ducks defenseman, Jack Johnson. Time to drink myself into a coma in hopes I don't come out of it until summer of 2019.

Go Ducks!

Thursday, April 19, 2018

The Mighty Martyrs of Anaheim

[Getzy: "Joe, I was thinking of YOU when I smooched Melker." Photo: Randy Vazquez/Bay Area News Group]

Boy, that was quick.

It’s been just over a day since Anaheim ended their post season after being swept by the "still stuck in the 90’s" San Jose Sharks - a series that only lasted less than a full week.

While many Ducks fans are still feeling the sting and are mourning the fact that being swept has not happened since 1999 after the Detroit Red Wings sent them packing in a haste, I for one am proud. Proud because the Ducks decided to do such a sacrificial act in hopes that their archaic system using head coach, Randy “Big Boy Hockey” Carlyle, will be fired for the 2nd time in this upcoming offseason.

My super secret undercover sources confirmed whispers of the team discussing throwing the series. “Alright fellas, we’re gonna dump & chase RC to the unemployment line!”, one player excitedly hushed. While next years potential 4th line players quickly low-fived each other with the idea of being able to play more than 4 minutes a game. The boys showed such dedication to their plan as it unfolded in dumpster fire glory with plays such as being offsides on purpose during a goal which was called back, waiting until the final moment of the second period to score just a millisecond after the buzzer had sounded off, Nick Ritchie being Nick Ritchie, and Corey Perry "attempting" to score by shooting directly at Sharks goaltender Martin Jones' pads.

It was all complete when San Jose forward and noted dirty player, Tomas Hertl, scored the game-winning goal just a little over 2 minutes after Andrew Cogliano had tied things up. A play which would come from an "accidental" turnover in Anaheim's defensive zone by Ducks captain, Ryan Getzlaf, who even managed to show his appreciation for the opponents by kissing Melker Karlsson during an intentional collision.

[Corey Perry watches on in jealousy as Getzlaf frenches Karlsson. Still via Reddit]
And now as we're removed from their heroic display in the first round, we Anaheim faithful will wait these next passing days for any announcement by Ducks general manager, "Barstool" Bob Murray, in hopes that he bought it all. Once again, I for one stand proud of my team who are not only hockey players but the bravest martyrs in this franchises history.

See you next season!

Go Ducks!

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Ducks v Sharks Playoffs Series Preview...In Pictures

[Bad ass classic cartoon by @earlsleek]

Round One. Ducks v Sharks: Hella California Hatred

It's finally here: the 2017/2018 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs! Somehow, and Anaheim managed to make it! Crazier yet, they took 2nd place in the Pacific (thank GOD! No Pacific Division Title).

Anaheim will match-up against the San Jose Sharks in what will be a repeat of the 2009 post-season first round which Anaheim took in 6 games. I figured I'd go ahead and pump out a sweet preview but you're all (the 2 of you) in for a treat! This year, I'll be doing a preview of key Sharks players that the Ducks will need to look out for!

So, sit back and enjoy this stupid shit!


[The adorable good-looking Captain]


Joe Pavelski

The Sharks captain (10th one in like 2 seasons) is as cute as they come with that dream-like smile who will fool you and can cause damage. A solid-sexy player. I couldn't find a photo of a hot Shark, so Ive opted to use a cute drawing of one

No, I don't have a man-crush on him. No.









[The hipster dman/former a homeless person]
Brent Burns

There's no other way to say, but this #1 high-caliber defenseman is as good as they come. Removed from living on the streets when San Jose made one of the most charitable moves, he no longer lives out of a box.

*Beard not photographed




[The ugly turned solid center whilst still being ugly Shark]
Logan Couture

Despite being one if the ugliest dudes I've ever seen and sustaining his fair share of injuries these past few seasons, this Sharks alternate captain has proven that nothing will keep him down, and he's good. He has the ability to paralyze you with his train-wreck looks before putting one in the back of the net. Ducks goaltender, John Gibson, will need all that it takes to divert his eyes if Couture gets a breakaway.






[The skinny-as-hell-but-good goalie]
Martin Jones

This Stanley Cup champion who hoisted a Cup when he was changing LA Kings goaltender Jonathan Quicks diapers in 2014 took the Sharks to the finals the following year where they lost to the Pittsburg Penguins. Will he have what it takes this season? We shall find out. For now, someone give the kid a sandwich.





[The old injured veteran]
Joe Thornton

The Sharks will start their playoff campaign without their grizzled ol' veteran who hasn't played since late january due to an MCL injury. He has been skating with the team as of late, and may even join them this round. If he does, the Ducks will have the chance to throw popcorn and spit wads at his big bushy beard.




I know that there are other key players to the Sharks lineup, but I don't feel like including them. What I do know is that this should be an exciting series. I'm just glad Anaheim won't have to see those inbred bastards from Nashville until the WCF.

Game one starts tonight at 7:30. You can see it on your national NBC network channels such as the DYI network/Golf Channel or some dumb crap like that.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: No rad on-ice image projection yet again from Anaheim at the Honda Center. Instead, some boring-ass production that involves someone playing Bro-Hymn on a kazoo.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Is this thing still on?

[Getzy: "Yeah, boys! We're in! And we couldn't have done so without Derek Grant!" Photo by D. Robinson/NHLI]
Well then, here we are. 

It's the last game of the 2017-2018 NHL regular season, and if you would have told me two months ago that Anaheim would be in the playoffs, I would've requested that you take a drug test expecting positive results for every dirty hardcore narcotic out on the streets. Surprisingly enough (and for the 6th consecutive time), the Anaheim Ducks have clinched a spot into the post season. 

Throughout the regular season, Anaheim faced a lot of adversity with having the majority of their roster hurt and/or pretty much dead, but they held on and battled through. Thanks to players such as John Gibson, Ondrej Kase, Rickard Rakell, Josh Manson, Derek Grant, and Ryan Getzlaf, they found a way to be where they currently are. Ducks would get a great addition in Adam Henrique, who immediately made an impact. 

With majority of the teams set for post season action, the Ducks will end their regular season on the road tonight in AZ after defeating the Dallas Stars for their final home game just last night with a decisive victory of 5-2. A win against the consistent bottom feeding Coyotes will help in determining who Anaheim will match up against in round 1. Thankfully, it won't be against those Carrie Underwood loving, meth-heads in Nashville. 

Go Ducks!

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Well shit, hockey's back...

[Me too, possibly super drunk Corey Perry. Me too.]

It's the most manic depressing time of the year: the NHL 2017/2018 regular season

Get ready for 82 games filled with highest-highs and lowest-low. Tonight, Anaheim will start theirs off with what will most likely be a loss (if you know the Ducks history of their outcome with season openers) to those location confused twerps from Phoenix/Glendale/Arizona.

I wanna take this time to issue a heartfelt apology to my liver which will be soaked in booze...hopefully until June.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Continuous disappointment ensues with Anaheim's lack of digital 3D image mapping on the ice. C'mon Ducks, even those shitty Avalanche folks in Denver do it!