Thursday, October 5, 2017

Well shit, hockey's back...

[Me too, possibly super drunk Corey Perry. Me too.]

It's the most manic depressing time of the year: the NHL 2017/2018 regular season

Get ready for 82 games filled with highest-highs and lowest-low. Tonight, Anaheim will start theirs off with what will most likely be a loss (if you know the Ducks history of their outcome with season openers) to those location confused twerps from Phoenix/Glendale/Arizona.

I wanna take this time to issue a heartfelt apology to my liver which will be soaked in booze...hopefully until June.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Continuous disappointment ensues with Anaheim's lack of digital 3D image mapping on the ice. C'mon Ducks, even those shitty Avalanche folks in Denver do it!

Friday, May 12, 2017

Western Conference Finals Preview

[Jeb trashes his brother, Billy Bob's, home! Photo: John Russell/Getty Images] 

WCF Ducks v Preds: Let's Do This!

As they say, "the 'fif' time's the charm"! The Anaheim Ducks are on their way to the Western Conference Finals for the 2nd time in 2 years after breaking the "Game 7 Curse" and defeating the Deadmonton Oilers in Round 2! The one thing I took from these past couple of rounds is the assumption that in order to be a resident of Alberta, one must vow to think that the NHL is rigged, and one must always blame the refs. Either way, suck it, Oilers!

The focus now shifts to the conference finals match-up with Game 1 starting tonight in Anaheim, which will be a repeat of last years first round, and the second leg of what I have previously dubbed, "The Eyesore Series". The opponent: the Trashville Predators. Paint It Orange versus whatever the fuck those hicks call using their piss-yellow jerseys and stupid chants accompanied with banjos. 

Anaheim have exorcised their one big demon, and now, they'll have a chance to do it again against the team who have bested them in two prior post season matchups. The two teams have a similar style of play, and it will be the hardest test for Anaheim yet. Should be long as I don't have the sound on when they're playing in Trashville.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Preds fans get the chance to smash up a car in front of Bridgestone Arena which ends up being one of those poor bastard's home.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Stanley Cup Playoffs Round 2 Preview

[McBiscuit: "Dammit, Leon! Did you ask Big Dumb to spell 'cat' again?! Look at his face! You broke him!" photo: R. Carr/Getty Images]

Ducks v Oilers: Great, another fucking team from Alberta. Thanks, San Jose.

With the Ducks making hasty work by sweeping those Perverts from Calgary, they prepare for the second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs where they'll match up against...ugh...another team from that wasteland, aka Alberta, the Deadmonton Oilers. 

The Oilers have found themselves moving on to round 2 by sending the San Jose Shorks back to their choking ways after dispatching them in 6 games. Tonight, Anaheim and Deadmonton start their series. Hashtags - "Paint It Orange" and the "Orange Crush" will clash in what I am now calling, "The Eyesore Series" because of all the damn orange which will take place on both sides.

We can all agree that this isn't your typical Oilers team who were the norm in the draft lottery after consistently letting their supporters down for about 300 straight years. Now, they have proven their doubters wrong by being an offense danger with that one dude, Connor McNugget, whose unreal talent is, what I can guess, gained from a combination of Devil's Dandruff, good ol' crack, and Angel Dust. Suffice it to say, it won't be that easy for Anaheim. With that, here are a few keys for the Ducks to be successful against these assholes from that Alberta shit hole: 

Connor McMuffin: Ryan Kesler will have the task of shutting down the Oilers star crackhead and captain. They'll also succeed if they find a way to stop his pusher from supplying him with his sweet-sweet drugs.

Zack Kassian: During game play, inform him that Ted Nugent wants to meet him, and fake a dinner invitation. Being the dim-witted, redneck moron that he totally is, he'll be so excited that he won't think of anything else.

Cam Talbot: Blackmail him with the fact that we know his true identity as the singer of Maroon 5. Come on, Adam Lev-I mean-Cam, you're not fooling anyone...

Patrick Maroon: Easy. Just engage him in a spelling contest.

Should be a fun one!

Go Ducks!

Prediction: I'll hold another bake sale and possibly a car wash to raise funds so that I can pay the refs to not give any power play chances to the Ducks AT ALL during this second round. Worked last round! Also, Maroon clogs every toilet in the visitors dressing room.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Stanley Cup Playoffs Series Preview

[Gaudreau: "Sean! Why the black bar??" Monahan: "I'll tell you when you're 14." photo: R. Graessle/Icon Sportswire]

Round 1 - Ducks v Calgary: Let's Get Perverty!


Ok, got that out of the way. With Anaheim clinching the Pacific Division title for the "fif" consecutive time (...yay...), they will face off against the second wild card team in the Western Conference on Thursday night at the Honda Center. 

Now, before I go any further, I'd like to thank my dear friend Tara who pointed this out to me a couple of years ago. Because of her, my eyes were opened and I can no longer unsee what I will show you.

As I disclaimed at the beginning of this post, the content will be explicit, and the reason is because the team that the Ducks will take on in the first round are none other than those disgustingly-despicable perverts from Calgary who, for all these years, have deceived the world by disguising their logo with the letter C when in fact they're actually using a phallic symbol engulfed in flames. Allow me to show you the shocking proof which I've highlighted:

The evidence is appallingly clear, and their use of an immature penis logo is downright distasteful. Flames owner, Nasty Murray Edwards, should be ashamed of himself! Especially with the troubling fact that the these pervs from Calgary employ 11 year old star forward, Johnny Gaudreau. Absolutely classless. But hey, what do you expect from a club that's captained by Dustin Brown's School of Making Dirty Knee-On-Knee Hits Look Like Accidents alumni Mark Giordano?

Either way, this out to be an interestingly-sinful first round.

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Those in attendance during the first round are given hazmat suits to prevent contracting any terrible flaming Calgarian diseases while parents cover the eyes of their children for at least 60 minutes of gameplay.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Ducks Gameday: Post season, here we come!...sorry, LA.

"Golf Kings, Golf!"

The end is finally here! 

The Anaheim Ducks play hosts to those a-holes from LA in the last game of the regular season before the "Second Season" begins...except for the Kings, but that doesn't mean they won't try to play spoilers with Anaheim just 1-point away from surprisingly and unexpectedly clinching the Pacific Division title for the fifth consecutive season. Meanwhile, the Kings will get an early start to teeing off for the next 6 months. But where did it all go wrong? LA is always considered to be Cup contenders since 2012 and in the last three seasons, they've only managed to win one playoff game. Let's take a quick jaunt down the sinking ship of season for our rivals just north up the I-5.

It started with the tragic removal of captaincy to the biggest douche noodle who has ever worn the letter, Dustin "Whoops! Those Were Your Knees??" Brown. It seemed as though his constant applying of wet-willies and non-stop team bench crop dusting was just too much forcing GM Lombardi to give Frankenstein looking enthusiast, Anze Kopitar, a promotion which help the new Cap'n reach a careers best recording an awe-inspiring 12G/40A for this season. Los Angeles' herculean march to the putting green was assisted when Jonathan Quick manage to temper tantrum his way to a groin injury which sidelined him for 4 1/2 months. Peter Budaj was called upon to fill the #1 goaltending void, and held his own so well that he was rewarded by being traded to Tampa Bay for a struggling Ben Bishop. The Kings also decided to throw their hat in the Geriatrics ring by picking up Metamucil advocate, Jerome Iginla, in hopes of pulling the team into actual playoff contention! Fortunately, the ship had already sprung leaks and was taking on water. 

And so, here we are today. Anaheim and Los Angeles in the final game of the season. The Ducks control their fate as to who they will match up with in the first round which will either be San Jose or those perverts from Calgary. The Kings won't make it easy before they enjoy their summer of trying to get their balls out of sand traps, but hey, offseason doesn't matter, right? 

Go Ducks!

Prediction: Immense eye rolling from oh-so clever comments such as: "2 > 1", "you'll be out in the 1st round", " 7" by Kings fans in attendance while their "Go Kings, Go" chants slowly turn into shouts of "Fore!"